A Myth Exposed

So it has come to my attention that many Japanese people have caught on to the most important and devious lie perpetrated by the foreigners in this country. We have been trying for centuries to keep this aspect of foreigner's lives from becoming a wide-spread, well known fact. Ever since the Dutch landed in Japan in the early 1500's, has this secret been guarded by many who would prefer to remain nameless.

Nevertheless, I shall, once and for all, declare that, in no uncertain circumstances, that all, every single foreigner in the great land of the rising sun, Japan, knows one another, in some manner or way.

There, it has been said. Clearly. Over the centuries our secret code and greetings have been passed down through word of mouth as an oral tradition. For the first time in the history of the "gaijin", the Code of the Foreigner is to be detailed in full.

First, all foreigners of all races, creeds, and nationalities are, without exception, included in this small yet secretive sub-society.

Secondly, every gaijin is required to follow these rules, lest they be shunned and word spread amongst the networks.

Thirdly, acknowledgement of a fellow foreigner is required by the Code of the Foreigner. The method of recognition is also quite detailed. (A) At the distance which the foreigner is indeed identified as a foreigner, usually about 20 meters, eye contact must be strictly avoided. (B) As the distance between the two shrinks, eye contact is also to be avoided. (C) At the last possible moment, at a distance of 3 or 4 meters, the two must make eye contact and execute the proper greeting, as determined by the chart below:

First encounter -- eye contact and a slight nod of one's head
Second encounter -- distinct head nod and utterance (under one's breath) of a verbal greeting of one's choice
Third encounter -- audible greeting
And so on encounter -- Nod and audible greeting
Daily encounter -- Top Gun style high-fives and personalized nicknames

Fourthly, upon arrival in Japan, every foreigner must be trained to use their internal gaijin radar. This "gai-dar" is tripped when a foreigner enters the personal space of another foreigner. This helps to avoid possible inter-gaijin turf battles, which have been so common of late.

Fifthly, all foreigners who live in Japan are required to attend quarterly meetings to reacquaint themselves with the other gaijin in their region.

Sixthly, in the off chance that a Japanese person is to ask about the existence of the international community or if you do, in fact, "Know that guy?", members of this gaijin community are to lie through their teeth or feign ignorance on the subject. We must remain secret. It is how we survive.

Lastly, one is not to talk about the Code of the Foreigner to anyone, including other apparent members of the foreigner society. This is to ensure that no Japanese spys dressed as gaijin are alerted to the existence and the day to day workings of the nationwide gaijin community.

Now, some of you may be wondering how I am to survive in this harsh land without the support of the nationwide community and foreigner networks. Shunned I will be from this group, but little do I care. If this is the last communique you receive from me then so be it. It was worth it to expose the myth.