And then we all died a little inside

As it stands, June in Kyoto is the worst season in the history all my 90 or so seasons of my life. One of the main bragging points that Kyoto-ites like to spout is the fact that their city has four distinct season, summer, fall, winter, and spring. Yet they purposefully forget to mention the fifth season, the devil's own creation. It falls smack-dab in the middle of summer and is called the 梅雨, tsuyu, a.k.a monsoon season. It really is like stepping out of a shower into a sauna. It is a miserable experience. I never thought I would wish for the August heat, but this humidity is literally killer.

That being said, I thought I should take a few moments to list out the interesting things that one should expect from Japan that most people do not tell you.

1 - There are no giant battling robots or godzilla monsters protecting the airways, despite what the Simpsons and Powerpuff Girls tell you.

2 - If you are in Osaka and you pretend your hand is a gun or pretend that you have a sword in hand and you attack an Osakian, they will play along and die, violently. (I haven't actually tested this out yet on the streets, but it is fun in class)

3 - Japanese people, despite the hyper-awesome technological gadgets that make their way to the States, are, for the most part, technologically disinclined.

4 - Unless you can type on it with your thumbs, put it on your face, or wear it under your school uniform than most Japanese high school students are probably not interested in it.

5 - Nearly all of the foreigners in Japan are giant nerds, myself included, so it is very easy to find people who are into the same things as you.

6 - The old proverb, "If you don't use it, you lose it" applies readily to your language abilities, Japanese and English alike.

7 - The supermarket is a good place to be stared at by curious old women and visual scorned by old men, if you're into that sort of thing.

8 - The sidewalk is for bikes, period. Ambulatory commuters should learn to fly.

9 - Cockroaches are a way of life, get used to them. At least they are better than the Mukade, giant poisonous centipedes, which like to eat cockroaches. If you don't have cockroaches look under your bed for them bastards.

10 - Get used to paying 3000-5000yen, $30-50, for a night on the town. Where every night is 10 dollar beer night!

Well, it would be impossible to tell of the mundane and exciting things that have happened to me, but my biggest piece of advice is to come in with no expectations. This way you can only be surprised. It's a much more entertaining way to live in Japan.

Cut Hair to the Wind

And just like that, my dreams of becoming a world renouned hair model go up in smoke. I went to my friends office to have "competition practice" for the big day next　month. I practiced my Japanese to the sounds of clicking scissors and screams of televised Japanese soccer. As the minutes passed the hour mark, I saw resignation on the face of my hair obsessed friend. Dispite my best efforts, my hair was still too short to be of any use in the competition. Even though I am slightly disheartened at the loss of what could have been, I am reminded of how truly odd that competition would have been. I would have looked like a mix between Vanilla Ice and Guile from Street Fighter. My hair would have been pushed vertical and flattened on the top and dyed yellow. Yet, in the darkness there is always a speck of hope. As the monsoon season begins in Kyoto, I no longer need to have long unwieldy lawyer hair.

I Have Returned

So my trip to Arizona went well. My flights and the overall traveling experience was better than I could have hoped. I usual tend to get a bit claustrophobic on the plane, especially for eleven hours, but it all went well. The perk of the H1N1 piggy scare is that very few people are traveling. My flight to the states was nearly empty and I had my own row. My flight back to Japan was similarly populated but I was seated next to some skinny Japanese people, that allowed me to usurp some of their elbow room. There were no crying children like my flight to Rome and there were no karate practitioners honing their skills on the back of my seat like my flight from Barcelona. They were good traveling experiences this time.

It was a bit strange returning to America. As the JET infomercials stated, there was a bit of reverse-culture shock and my first attempt at driving my car led me errantly down the left side of the road for a moment. I did decide to get all of the culture shock out of my system in one fell swoop. My first stop, after I slept off the jet lag, was to the hub of American culture, in its most repulsive and repugnant incarnation, Walmart. It was a planned trip, designed to shock my mind back into the way of the "American Way." The second I entered the store I felt my soul cry. There were children running aimlessly, hyped up on sugar and Ritalin and adults shuffling about in slippers and stretch pants, to better suit their flab, pushing carts filled to the brim with cheap Chinese made goods.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you all, I enjoy Walmart for two reasons. First, because they have a five dollar DVD bin and one can always find a decent deal there. And secondly, because Walmart is to me, what IHOP is to Lewis Black. (If you have never heard Lewis Black, the comedian, talk about IHOP, I suggest you YouTube that.) Mr. Black states that he considers IHOP to be his health club because, "No matter how fat you are, there will always be someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you will ever weigh." And thus is true for Walmart as well. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, Walmart is a cesspool for Americanism, where hope and self-respect go to die a horrible and miserable death. (my own included)

Now purged of my own feeling of superiority over the Walmart shoppers, I could enjoy my vacation. A vacation which included a trip to the dentist, a few loving family dinners, a graduation, a huge family party, a drive California to be accompanied by several games of beerpong, a geocaching day with the father, several trips to Papago Brewery to drink real beer and several boring days spent surfing the internet and watching HBO.

If only everyday could be spent lounging around eating leftover lasagna, watching HBO and trolling Facebook, what a life that would be! Alas, one's life cannot be wasted as such though. And now I have returned to the daily grind at work.

When I finally returned to work, after passing the swine flu test, my principal came up and tried to talk to me. He said that he liked my beard and wondered if I shaved it everyday. Then he asked how often I go to the dentist to keep my teeth strong. And now today, several teachers asked me why I changed my hairstyle, but didn't wait around long enough to hear the whole story, they merely nodded and said that they liked it. So with that, I have returned to a place where my mere appearance is a novelty which doesn't grow old.

It's good to be back.