The Great 2009 Jenga Hustle

It was a dark and cloudless night. The spirits were numerous on this All Hallow's Eve. Greasers, students, ducks and girls in bear costumes were roaming the streets in droves. But this is not a story of fright and other such base human emotions. This is a story of loss, con, and trickery.

I had seen him in the bar before, skulking in the plentiful shadows, surveying the room. At the mention of his game of choice, a spark ignited in his eyes. Opportunity. Upon choosing his target group, he gives the bartender a slight nod and a raised eyebrow. She casual reaches under the bar and pulls out a small red box filled with small rectangular blocks of wood with a strange incantation engraved on the sides, Jenga.

As she approached the target group with the hustlers ammunition in tow, a faint but recognizable smirk appeared on the hustler's face. It was the smirk of experience. A smirk of victory.

The group, a greaser, a high school student, and a recently decapitated duck, unwittingly set up their game to enjoy a few minutes of board game splendor in the dark recesses of bar, as the hustler stalked and noted his strategy. After a few excited moments as the tower collapsed, the hustler staggered over to the table, clearly feigning intoxication. He slammed his glass down as an introduction, the tower shook.

The Proposal
He stated in an unclear and slightly slurred speech,“Care to make a wager?” The three looked at each other suspiciously...“What could this drunk possibly want?”All three of them thought. “I want to play Jenga with you. If the three of you can beat me, I will buy you each of you a drink. But if I win, the three of you will buy me two drinks.”The hustler gargled out. Of course at this point, the three knew that this guy was a hustler, but agreed anyway for sake of an interesting story, such as the one I am telling you right now.

In an attempt to not get cheated, though they knew it was coming eventually, the costumed three argued over the rules with‘Josh’the hustler. 1) You can use only one hand to remove the blocks. 2) You must put the spent blocks back on the top, perpendicular to top row. 3) You cannot remove blocks from the top row. Three terribly simple rules. Terribly over simple rules.

The game began. On his first move, the hustler removed a block and twisted the tower. It was at this point that they knew for sure that the game was over. Thought they fought a valiant battle, the costumed three eventually were defeated and paid the hustler his two drinks. He stepped up from the table, money in hand, and walked to the bartender. They exchanged a glance and a handshake. It is uncertain if that was all that was exchanged...

The Background
I have had many experiences in my relatively short life on this planet. But there is one emotional experience I have always wondered about. That is the emotional, physical and physiological response to getting hustled by a hustler. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would encounter a hustler in Japan, so I was caught when the action happened. I smelled a fish from the beginning but could not resist to promise of free drinks.

For those of you who do not know what a "hustle" is, I suggest you look up The Hustler with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason. If you do not know what Jenga is...jump off a bridge because you have been missing out on one of the most amazing games to ever grace the planet.

久しぶりだね It has been a while, eh?

*To be read in a typical overly epic television show announcer voice*

"In the season finale of Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun, we found that our hero would be enjoying a vacation on the Islands of Hong Kong and Macau. And now, the much anticipated and much talked about return of Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun. Now in vivid Technicolor and High Definition. Or something."

On the Special Administrative Regions of Hong Kong and Macau

Well, since it has been over a month...I do not remember a damned thing. No, just kidding...(but seriously...not a damned thing.) Luckily, I only remember the terrible things and the hilarious things. If all you want to know is if I had a good time, then the answer is, "Yes, it was okay." Now you can skip to the next emboldened section entitled, "History of the World Part II."

Oh, Hong Kong, how easy it would be to despise you. I mean, with all of the people...everywhere, the constantly leaking air conditioners dropping dirty water on pedestrians from thirty floors above, the ever-present feeling of impending doom and danger from cars and buses, the wonderful and clockwork scowls present on all of the waiters/waitresses, and the unending feeling of being in someone's way...How could I not hate you, Hong Kong? But somehow, I was able to retain my objectivity and come out feeling somewhat positive about city. Despite my post-travels positivity, I have no desire to ever go back.

I suppose I should explain. From the moment I stepped off the plane I had the sneaking and constant suspicion that I was being ripped off by someone. I don't know why. Perhaps, it was merely the knowledge that there are no set prices on anything in the city and the locals expect you to haggle for their purposely overcharged items. I am not the type of person to haggle and I felt bad trying to convince a merchant to take 50 Hong Kong dollars instead of 80 for a deck of Bruce Lee cards. The inane nature of arguing over $3USD for a deck of cards hit home when one of my friends went to the same merchant and bought the same deck of cards for $5HKD cheaper. My brain almost exploded all over the Jade Market. It wasn't the money...it was the principle of it all. This is not the way economics is supposed to work. If you are willing to take any amount of money, why even have a limit, or a currency. Maybe I should have offered the merchant two chicken feet and a glass of cool ice water (which I would have undoubtedly received from a scowling half naked street vendor).

Additionally, from the moment I stepped off of the express train from the airport, I was being accosted by foreigners trying to sell me custom made suits. On every street, on every island, outside of every subway station there was inevitable an Indian man (or 6) lurking behind mailboxes or pacing on corners waving business cards in men's faces tempting them to respond. The situation progressed the same way every time I stepped out of the hotel. And it got so bad that by the end of my trip I didn't want to leave the hotel. There was one famous incident where I had left my traveling companions to escape for some Starbucks joy and solitude. On my way back to the hotel, I was attacked by 12 suit hawkers in 3 blocks. And on one encounter the frustration and the desire to escape the man's purple shirted presence led me into the street and almost to my immediate demise at the hands of a speeding taxi. Honestly, the instant death would have been preferable to the 30 seconds I spent standing next to this man attempting to tell him that I didn't want his cheap suit. Of course, the game totally changes when they know you speak English. It got to the point where I could feel their presence from half a block away. It was like some anti-annoyance Jedi sense. Finally, I just started yelling at them so that they would leave me alone. And by the end of the trip I wanted to carry an unsheathed sword around the city ominously. I contemplated buying a suit and walking up and down the street taking all of their business cards. (Like I wanted to wear a suit in Hong Kong in August...it was 98degrees with 1700% humidity.)

Overall, it was an entertaining trip. And though I have no desire to ever go back, that doesn't mean I didn't have fun. I have entertaining memories of the "Wice Nudol" (a.k.a "Rice Noodle") lady who looked like a combination of Anne Ramsey (Mama Fratelli from the Goonies), and Baaba (the old witch from Miyazaki's Spirited Away). We ordered 4 of the cheapest beers on the menu, thinking them to be human sized beers, to our surprise they were 1.5Liter bottles. When they arrived, we all laughed. I also have fond memories of eating Peking duck at a restaurant across the street from the hotel...twice, consuming a wonderful sized steak and a couple of huge German beers at a German beer hall, and of touring all of the city and taking nice pictures, despite the miserable typhoon weather. My favorite place was the Avenue of Stars, where terrible Hong Kong martial arts actors/actresses go to rest.

As for Macau, I am a bit more undecided. Seeing as we only spent a few hours there I am unsure if I saw everything I wanted to see. I would have liked to go gambling but none of my traveling companions were up for that. I also noticed that Macau is very beautiful, but seeing as taking one step out of the air conditioning in this part of the world in August is the same as jumping into an Old Spice scented pool, I felt rather uncomfortable leaving the hotel. In the end, I would like to go back to Macau I think, when I have tons of money and air conditioned business suits. China can keep Hong Kong though, I don't want it.

"Next time on Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun, Silver Week extravaganza: fun, games, drinking, traveling and photos."

Up, Up and Away Junior Birdman

I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow. I expect shenanigans, troublemaking, and all kinds of merry-making. I will attempt to update while I'm there but I may not have access to a computer.

This Week's News in 30 Seconds

Just some opinions, don't get your underwear in a twist.
______

We found out that tanning beds cause cancer, divorce is harmful to your health, sugar in juice and sports drinks erodes your teeth, body building with steroids is harmful to your body, the swine flu is really bad if you're pregnant, Oprah.com continues to publish self-defeating sexist garble, and that every single person and their divorced grandmother has marriage advice.

My response to these news stories: DUH!

We also learned that blue food coloring in M&Ms can stave off paralysis in spinal injuries but its side effect is Smurfification. I am not even joking.

We also found out that intelligent black men can be arrested in Mass. for being home alone and that because the president is also a black man, his opinion must be heard on every situation of race relations in the USA.

My response to this story: Both the Mass. Police Department and Professor Gates, to redirect President Obama's quote, "acted stupidly" and the situation could have been handled without bringing the subject of race into the picture if both parties acted more humanely. Additionally, when did it become the president's responsibility to publicly render opinions on cases which do not pertain to him and then publicly act as mediator between two adult parties. Obama is not our daddy and he is not our hall monitor. Deal with your own issues because the President of the United States of America has bigger things to worry about right now.

Lastly, we learned that Michael Jackson might not have been as poor as we all thought and that his doctors may have given him dangerous amounts of drugs solely because he was famous and had money.

My response to this story: FREAKING GET OVER IT ALREADY. He is dead. He got himself killed by taking too many drugs. The only thing I find fascinating about this whole situation is that he overdosed on legal drugs, and thus he is being painted as a victim. Ask yourself this, if he overdosed on cocaine or heroine would you all be so forgiving? The double standard on drug use in the USA is ridiculous. Make it all legal and tax the crap out of it. We could do with a little natural selection to weed out those who are unable to make the decision to keep themselves alive.


So it has been a slow news week. My negativity started last weekend when I tried to go to see the Harry Potter movie but it was sold out all day. Since then my mood has soured and my days have grown longer. I need my HP fix.

Gio Completes Ninja Training and Then Gets Creative

This weekend was an interesting one to say the least. Two friends and I drove out to the well hidden town of Koga, southeast of Kusatsu, in Shiga prefecture. We made this long and winding trip through the lush green hills of the Japanese countryside to do something that I have wanted to do since I was a child, become a ninja. For those of you who do not know what a ninja is, google it, or visit this website: www.realultimatepower.com But, the history of the ninja is much more entertaining and real than that website suggests. The story of the ninja of Japan usually comes down to the family feud between the Koga ninja family in Shiga prefecture and the Iga ninja family in Mie prefecture. These two families worked hard to be the best spies, assassins, scouts and recon weapons working for and protecting the feudal lords in Japan. There are countless representations of ninja throughout history and pop-culture, if you really do not know what a ninja is...you've probably already been killed by one, you just haven't noticed your own death.

In this deep forest there is a nearly impossible to get to authentic Japanese experience, ninja training. The first things I saw when I arrived was a noisy hot-dog shaped guard dog, bred from ancient Koga ninja dog genes, and wooden cutouts in the shape of multicolored ninjas. We began the manditory tour of the training ground. The first test was scaling a castle wall with nothing but one's own hands and feet. This was a challenge at first but after one connects one's soul to the tradition of this village, even the concrete and stone rampart could not keep me from achieving my destiny. The second test was the wall jump. It was quite easy after my soul searching. The third test was the "walking along the base of a wall without falling down 5 feet to your death." This test was more challenging than the previous two, yet I was able to focus my chi and succeed. Unfortunately, we lost one of our youngest comrades as the 5 year old girl fell from the wall with a thud. The fourth test was one of endurance. Us potential ninjas had to swing and walk sideways along a notched wooden wall. Each step and swing was exhausting and my hands still hurt from grabbing the wall. The fifth test was to challenge our ability to endure small spaces. We climbed down a ladder into an ancient escape hatch through the bottom of a well. The sixth test was one of grace and skill, unfortunately no one over 80 pounds could possibly succeed at the Water Spider test and my foresight saved me the pain of failure. One must work to one's own advantages and skills and gliding across a scummy pond on foam shoes is not in my skill set. The seventh test was more successful, but even though I succeeded, I swung deep into a muddy puddle. The zip-line rope was not set high enough and taught enough for a ninja of my defined... stature. As a result, I ended up sitting in mud. The eighth test was one to challenge the most important of ninja skills, killing. The shuriken, also known as the "ninja star", throwing trial was an excellent test in the fine art of assassination. Of my ten shuriken, I successfully hit two targets at 9 meters. The last test was probably the most important of all, the history lesson. We studied the typical ninja house equipped with shin breaking traps, one way doors, hidden doors, trap doors under stoves, a stone-weighted falling roof, hidden floors, pitfalls, and hidden stairs. We also learned of ninja efficiency in the art of recon and murder in the Hall of Ninja weapons. Some of the most interesting of which were collapsible boats and hand canons.

After the training was complete, those that survived received a scroll of undeniable authenticity stating that we have all been conducted into the Koga ninja family.

After our trip into the murderous past of ancient Japan, we felt like being a bit more creative. My friends and I took a drive to the most famous pottery area in all of the Kansai region of Japan. The "tanukimura" or Tanuki Village, so named for the village's adept skill at making tanuki (raccoon dog) statuary and because of the wild tanuki which roam the mountainside, was a fascinating chance to practice my pottery spinning skills. After numerous failures, I finally created 3 usable pieces; a large tea cup, a medium size rice bowl, and a large 500ml beer mug. We will see how well they look in a month or so when they are shipped to me.

That is all for now. Stay classy and watch your back...ninjas are everywhere.