The Trick to Looking Busy

In a country where it's not how much work you do or how well you do it but how long your ass is in the chair, it is vitally important to either (a) have something to work on and occupy your time or (b) make it look like you are doing something vitally important. This is the key distinction.

When I first arrived, I attempted to be mister perfect and I planned for 2-3 weeks ahead for class with my spare time. This earned me much praise and reluctant high-fives (Japanese people are uncomfortable with high-fives from my experience). But I soon came to realize that I was working too hard. This always seems to happen to me, I work extremely hard in the beginning and start to slack off when I know I can get away with it. I suppose that is the most beneficial order, if I were to slack off first and then work hard I would probably have been deported already.

My reasons for writing today are two-fold. First off, I want to address this issue of spare time because one of my friends here in Japan is having an internal re-contracting battle (Faust-ian angles and demons on her shoulders, except they are not angels and demons, they are two islands, Japan and England). And secondly, To further elucidate how awesome my job is. In any job there is going to be a certain amount of free time, depending on the day, season, job etc. I just never understood the complaint about free time at work. I would kill to have a job where all I had to do was sit at a desk and stare at a wall. There's no responsibility, no pressure, no conceivable reason to get out of bed in the morning and, presumably, no fun. Of course, this sounds awful. But just imagine the possibilities. Think of all the books you could read, all the internet websites you could see, all the music you could listen to, all the studying you could get done. Needless to say, this fictional job sounds great. But there are no jobs like that, so I have had to set my standards a bit lower. At work every week, I teach a total of 15-18 classes. This means that even on a busy week, I am only teaching approximately 15-20 hours per week (rounding up to calculate for preparation time).

What the heck am I to do with myself for the other 20 hours every week? There is a myriad of things I could be doing at any one time. For instance, reading at my desk, listening to music (pretending to work), editing papers, pretending to edit papers (really means sleeping with my eyes open), drawing comics, reading comics, writing blogs, reading blogs, reading the news, playing sudoku and crossword puzzles, taking a long lunch break, studying Japanese, talking with teachers, tutoring students, wandering campus, surfing the internet, ordering things on amazon, emailing friends and family, practicing martial arts, hanging around the vending machine, meditating (sleeping with my eyes closed), watching movies on my Ipod, or lesson planning. The real trick to getting away with doing many of these things, is to look really busy while doing them. So, if you are listening to music at your desk, you should have a piece of paper and a notebook out and be taking notes and writing things down. Make it look like you are trying to pick out songs to play for your students. If you are going to be risky and take a nap at your desk, try and fall asleep while grading papers with a red pen in your hand. If you are fiddling around on the internet, always have another website opened or Microsoft Word opened to a "potential" lesson plan or activity. This strategy I learned from my TV hero, George Costanza.

These are just suggestions from my own person experience. Without activities to entertain yourself, this job would be rather boring for the average person. I learned long ago that rushing to get things done and out of the way only adds more things to your plate. I love my job and I have been told that I am a good teacher (how that's possible, given my work ethic, I do not know). In my time here, I have read 15 books, listened to 8 books on audio, learned over 100 kanji characters, wrote many, many pages of blogs and notes, started learning 3 weapons (Bo, Sai, Nunchaku) and unarmed combat and karate techniques, and seen almost everything there is to see on the internet. Thus is the freedom and versatility of my job, yes, yes...I know. Not every JET AET has this experience, but for a majority of the people I know, this is the case more or less.

p.s. One of my teachers came up to me and asked me to write the graduation motto for the outgoing 3rd year students. So together, we came up with, "Be wise, sincere, and vigorous in every moment." I cannot tell you if I like this motto but when I suggested vigorous, half in jest, the teacher loved the idea. It is based on the school's creed, translated into English. I suggested, "Go forth and set the world on fire," but he said the Japanese students would not understand and would take the metaphor literally (which might have been fun to watch).

An Interesting Article

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/01/26/canon.babies/index.html?imw=Y&iref=mpstoryemail

This is an interesting article that I came across today at work. Usually, I would say that the company's involvement in their worker's personal life should not be of any concern. In fact, I think I would be a bit insulted if my company told me to get to replicating. I feel that something like this program would be met with angry protests and whining expectations of privacy rights lawsuits in America. Or would it?

It is clear that the work-culture here in Japan is starkly different from the work-culture in the USA. One is expected to stay late at work, well after one's discharge time even if one has nothing to do. I see this here at school all the time; teachers sleeping at their desks, reading books, chatting away for hours, etc. In America, we are proud of our efficiency and ability to get work done fast and successfully. But, I think we are fundamentally lazy and given the opportunity for a shortened work day on the stipulation of required, state-mandated nookie, we would most likely take it with our arms (and possibly other limbs) spread wide.

My observations in this country as of late has led me to believe that even given the opportunity for family time they may not take it for fear of falling behind in the drama of office culture. Damn warriors. Now, my loyal readers, all 4 of you, discuss.

Wow, I Feel Old

There is nothing more difficult to come to terms with than the realization that you are getting older. Before you all cry, bitch and moan, "What do you mean you feel old? You're only 22, you bakayaro." Please hear me out. I came to realization over Winter break that I was not getting any younger, but it really hit me this weekend.

While at a "Happy New Year (let's have an excuse to drink massive amounts of alcohol and eat food all day) Party" this weekend, I faced my own aging demographic. A large majority of my friends in Japan are in the late 20's and early 30's, and as such they have a tendency to be tied down in some way or another. Several of them are married or in serious long term relationships, and even a few of them have little children. Now generally I do not have a problem with kids; sometimes I even enjoy the little rapscallions. But, my philosophy over the past few years is, "as long as I can set the little poop factory down and walk away at the end of the day, I am fine." I even relish and take pleasure in feeding the maniacs sugar and candy and getting them all riled up so that the parents have an even bigger handful after we go our separate ways. Usually that is when I laugh maniacally and rub my hands together in a contemplative evil-genius way.

It is a unique experience going to a party and expecting drunken debauchery and finding children instead. Even though watching a toddler attempting to walk is almost as fun as watching a drunk grown adult wobble to the refrigerator for another round. Of course the emotional response is a bit different, while watching the children one cannot help but make the "awe-cute" face (believe me, the face and the sounds are the same in this country only exaggerated by the sheer overwhelming cuteness factor of Japanese children) as opposed to the "haha, you're an idiot" chuckle one makes while watching a drunk adult. Luckily for me, I was able to experience both of these emotions in one long afternoon.

While partying with toddlers is not my ideal drinking situation, it certainly makes for an eventful evening. There was tons of food including onigiri, sushi, chili, chips and dip, fried chicken, pastries, and cake; there was also a lot of beer, wine, umeshu, sake, and liquor. The nerds, like myself, broke out the magic cards and talked about Dungeons and Dragons and a variety of other nerdy topics. The married folk talked with the other married folk. The girls chit-chatted about common non-sensible things like babies and memories (psh, who needs those things). The kids made a disaster of the food left on the table, cried, napped and cried and ate more food. There were video games and board games, talking and cooking, drinking and drinking. Overall, a good evening.

It was not until the end of the evening when my friend's wife and my other friend's girlfriend came up to me to test my Japanese. Like all woman, they talk too fast and in a frequency inaudible to most male brains. Eventually, I was able to understand them and found out that they were asking me about my dating life here in Japan. Of course my sex life is my damn business and I was a bit put-off by the intrusions, but I have known these two for a while so I tried explaining the problems I have encountered in my recent past in Japan. Their solution, to all of my problems in Japan(which are few and far between) was to get a Japanese girlfriend. So I agreed naturally, but I continued with the train of thought and explained the difficulties with their oversimplified plan for my life. The problem being that my Japanese skills are lacking, and that combined with my over active laziness drive and my self-consciousness, led me to a vicious circle. In order for my Japanese to get better I need a Japanese girlfriend, and in order to get a Japanese girlfriend I need to have better Japanese or get off my ass and study harder. Both courses conflict directly with my self-preservation drive and my laziness drive. The conclusion (in the eyes of these two friends): I ain't gettin' any younger.

What is the Best Way to Teach a Japanese Student About Breast-Feeding?

Answer: Sounds and body language.

A teacher asked me to help a student prepare for his university exams today. He wanted me to read a passage to the student and ask him questions about the passage in English to test his listening comprehension. And because I am an all-a-round brilliant teacher, I figured that this would not be an issue. Seeing as I have done this very activity with many students before, I decided not to prep any material and just go into the tutoring session blind. It was at this point, when I first looked at the passages that I was to read, that I noticed that the first difficult vocabulary word was "breast-fed." Why in Atheismos' great, green Earth did this teacher choose this passage. I will speculate as to that reasoning at the end of this story.

Have you ever tried to explain a concept that is obviously such a normal and everyday thing that even language does not seem to be enough for the description. It's like trying to define religion to someone who does not speak the same language. Well, this is how I felt when attempting to explain breast-feeding. It was completely obvious to me that the breast feeds something, usually offspring of some species, preferably some genus of homoerectus (cromagnon, homosapien, primate, European). My apparent lack of words and use of body language and sounds to illustrate this concept was hysterical to the student and the teacher. It was only then that I noticed that I was miming holding a baby up to my chest and making suckling sounds with my mouth. I feel this was one of my more triumphant moments in Japan. The student immediately understood what I was attempting to say. Success.

Later in the same article, the topic of diarrhea was mentioned. I think everyone will agree with me that the topics of babies and breast-feeding are inexorably linked to the inevitable result, baby diarrhea. For the record, I am a huge proponent of scatological humor. I think it is one of the more underestimated comic motifs. As such, I decided to teach this young man and this old man some American slang that they most likely have experienced first hand. The Runs. Yet another challenging concept to explain to a non-native speaker. Both the teacher and the student looked puzzled at me when I mimed the international sign for, "holy crap, I have to crap." Which is a horribly pained and mortified facial expression coupled with a determined trot and a futile grabbing of the stomach. It took them both a moment to understand what I was attempting to teach them, and they both nodded in appreciation (presumably accepting my acting skills) and in painful, most likely first hand, understanding. The rest of this tutoring session continued on the subject of breast-feeding and its apparent IQ benefits. To be honest, I think the reason my teacher chose this article was merely for the entertainment value of seeing me explain breast-feeding, diarrhea, and various other less comical medical conditions.

At the end of a rather entertaining day, I was editing some essays for the third year students. One of my students, who I know rather well because she is in several of my classes, asked me to check her essay. To be honest, I was not expecting much from her, which is horrible of me to think. But my time with her in class has taught me that although she tries very hard, the quality of her work is usually rather low. To my surprise, her essay was quite fantastic. She wrote about how most people take happiness for granted and do not take the time to look around them and find happiness everywhere. Something very profound from an 18 year old with presumably no future plan other than marrying her 30-something boyfriend. There was one line in her short treatise which caught my eye, she wrote, "Because happiness is often overlooked, and due to my recent fight with my boyfriend, I have decided to be free and expose myself to everyone, all the time." Presumably, she was referring to being open to new things and new people. But her insistence of the use of the word "expose" shocked me and made me chuckle. I eventually composed myself long enough to explain (again with hand motions and body language) the difference between "exposing oneself" and "remaining open to new things." I am almost certain that she understood the difference yet still wanted to use the word "expose." What could I have done? At least she did not say, "I want to expose myself and so on to everyone all the time." I think that would have been a bit over the top.

How to Know When You've Been Punched in the Torso Enough

1. Does your torso hurt...a lot? (If yes, skip to question 2. If no, stop taking this test because you're a girly-man/woman.)

2. Do you have bruises? (If yes, skip to question 3. If no, stop taking this test, nerd.)

3. Do your bruises have bruises yet? (If yes, skip to question 5. If no, go to the next question.)

4. Does doing any of the following activities hurt mentally or physically: breathing, walking, breathing, bending, turning, eating, breathing, coughing, reading, or breathing? (If yes, skip to question 1. If no, stop taking this test and get a clue.)

5. If while reading this stupid question map did you do any of the following activities: cough blood, pee blood, vomit bile, or die...then you might have had enough for today.

Well the point of this short question map is to illustrate my current condition. I began harnessing my inner Japanese warrior by taking karate lessons at a real dojo with a real master. How can you tell how real they are? Well if you look at the color of their belts you can guess that they are real. I prefer to judge the seriousness and legitimacy of a teacher by the amount of bodily disfigurements a man or woman has. This particular master is missing both front teeth, has a nasty scar down the side of his right eye ending near nose level, two mangled and arthritic hands made of stone, and the posture of a mountain. This man breaks my will with every stare. But so far, sensei seems to like me, which is a good thing because he could destroy my existence with a mere flick of an eyebrow (if he had them).

In my class, there are two ridiculously good pre-teens, both black belts, a friend of mine who is a brown belt, and my AET friend who has been studying martial arts for more than a decade, and of course, yours truly. Some times I feel like I am punching-by-numbers because I have never studied karate or anything other than wrestling. And though the body posture and the disciple are reminiscent of my old days on the mat in spandex, I still feel very Kramer-esque taking karate lessons with two children that could beat me to a pulp. The language barrier is difficult and I sometimes find myself punching high instead of to the middle but this is all very new to me. I am doing well for a total n00b and it feels good to sweat a few pounds, or should I say kilos.

The Adoption of Accents and The Never Ending Struggle to Teach

Beginning at the beginning would be a fantastic place to begin, but as Dane Cook would say, "I'm Tarantino-ing it" (for no apparent reason other than my own entertainment). And so it begins at the end where my elation was ransacked by surprise and anger at my own stupidity. As such, my day at work today ended with two little words, (please excuse the upcoming vulgarity but i feel it is necessary to express my momentary lapse of restraint, if you are under seventeen years old and you are reading my blog then please close your eyes and ears for the next twelve seconds and pick up the story in the next paragraph) "Fucking shit."

So the day (really) began quite normally, yet slowly rose to exceed my usual expectations of a day sitting at my desk reading, listening to books on tape, playing Sudoku, failing at cross word puzzles, and grading papers. I attended a writing class and the teacher asked me to prepare some hints and tips for writing well in English. Judging from the many, many, many essays i have graded over the last 7 months, I came up with this list of five do's and don'ts:

1. Do not start every sentence with the same word. Use transitions like; for example, however, but, yet, first, secondly, etc.
2. Have every paragraph have a contained and cohesive topic. If you are writing about dogs, don't start writing about piano lessons all of a sudden.
3. Alternate sentence length. Have short and long sentences. This helps with the flow of the essay.
4. Stay in the same tense for the whole essay. This is a very difficult concept for foreign students but changing from past to present to future is a very common problem.
5. Lastly, for the love of all that is holy, stop using the phrase "And so on." It doesn't mean anything. "I like baseball, basketball, books, movies and so on," This is a horrible sentence.

As the class continued, I had to opportunity to stop and edit many of the students essays. One student, who I had never met, asked me to stop and help her. Her accent was quite unusual for a Japanese student speaking English. I immediately took the foreign accent and unexpected fluency of her speech to be the result of a study abroad program in New Zealand. (If you have never heard a New Zealand accent you can either listen to the music of The Flight of the Conchords or imagine an Australian accent sweetened with natural Kiwi fructose) I quickly learned that my analysis was correct and that this girl spent a year in New Zealand studying English. This has to be one of the most fascinating aspects of linguistic study that i have ever encountered. I suppose by mere osmosis the subtle intonations, accents and stresses are learned while studying abroad. I can only assume that this is happening to my own Japanese. My use of the local dialect and my pronunciation of certain words in Japanese label me as a Kyoto resident. I really wish my accent, pronunciation and skill level are as good as this girl's English after one year.

It was at this moment in class where my day began to sour. I had a striking memory of a small, white and pink self-study Japanese language book rotting in my message bag on my desk. A date flashed before my eyes: "January 20th. Tomorrow. Book test due." These memories and concerns, brought forth by the sudden self-investigative wishing for Japanese fluency, crushed my teaching high.

The rest of the day was spent in frantic study and review of 80 pages of Japanese language study, approximately 4 weeks of projected study in one afternoon. As the day rolled on and more classes interrupted my hectic cramming, I was drained and beat to near unconsciousness with the lofty understanding of, but not the reasoning behind, the usefulness of teaching the polite form, the not-as-polite form, and the not-polite-at-all forms of speech. And thus I ended my day with the two words with which I began this entry, "Fucking shit." And then my brain exploded "and so on."

Snow and Kawabata

So for the first time in my life, and hopefully not the last, I have seen the power and beauty of falling snow. There is nothing so pure in nature as small, seemingly weightless flakes of frozen water. I cannot explain it. Rain is drab and painful but snow is hopeful and full of promises.

The only hindrance to enjoying a wonderfully snowy day is the realization that you have no food in your house and would have to leave the comfort of your warm room and blanket covered perch by the window in order to successfully survive another day. Food and the overall existence of your corporeal body has never seemed so overrated.

"If only Ray's pizza delivered to Japan," I say to myself as i layer on more and more garments for my trek to the grocery. The decision to bring an umbrella to a snow storm is a baffling one indeed. On the one hand, the umbrella brings much protection from the floating wetness that is snow. But on the other hand, snow rarely falls straight down to the ground and has a tendency to defy physics just to boggle the mind. The umbrella would be of little use if the wind changed and would force my meagerly gloved hand out of the body warmed pocket of the jet black, soon to be speckled white, navy pea coat.

My first experience with the falling ash of the heavens was magical in its own way. I find it difficult and quite painfully drab to describe anything with the word "magical" but i feel that in this case, it fits. Maybe "movie stage" perfect is also a sufficient descriptor. The image of these shining insubstantial clumps of H2O still mesmerize me. Feelings of somber loneliness and ultimate happiness are not usually experienced at the same time, but my first snow will be remembered as a moment of high emotional conflict and oxymoronic nonsense.
---------
So it seems fitting that with the New Year and my recent experience of snow in Japan, that i should read one of the great contemporary novels from a Japanese author in the 20th century, Kawabata. The book, Snow Country won the Nobel prize for literature and is regarded as one of the greatest Japanese novels. I must say, that even though this book is highly praised and beautifully written, I found it to be extremely difficult to follow. I am not sure if it is the way that Japanese literature is translated into English but every time I attempt to read a Japanese author i find myself lost in the writing. The topics and even the timeline jump from paragraph to paragraph because chapters are not organized as a western book. As i said, this book is beautifully written and as such, is able to capture several emotions, often conflicting, in the same moment. Kawabata's haiku-esque style and written cadence is entrancing and engaging but often aloof.

The story is about a married man who goes off to an onsen or hot spring a few times every year and meets a woman who entertains the guests at the hot spring inn as if she were a geisha. Eventually, the woman falls in love with the man but the overarching question through the whole book is: "Why?" or "What is the point of all this?"

You can argue with me about this coming observation if you want, but I contend that the man does not love this girl whom he comes to visit often, he is just so bored with his life in Tokyo that he has nothing better to do but to come to this little village, to a young girl that loves him but that he will never have.

It is hard to say what the overall point of the story is. Is it to show that love is futile and fickle, like the relationship with the silly, insane girl? Is it to say that unlike the ever changing landscape of the snow country, somethings remain the same over the years, including the same old-same old of business and pleasure? Or perhaps, as I think, that emotions are impossible to decipher without explanation. I believe this is the case because even though it is fairly clear that the two characters care for each other, due to the circumstances of their meetings, they never share their emotions or feelings and thus the book ends with no end or resolution.