How to Know When You've Been Punched in the Torso Enough

1. Does your torso hurt...a lot? (If yes, skip to question 2. If no, stop taking this test because you're a girly-man/woman.)

2. Do you have bruises? (If yes, skip to question 3. If no, stop taking this test, nerd.)

3. Do your bruises have bruises yet? (If yes, skip to question 5. If no, go to the next question.)

4. Does doing any of the following activities hurt mentally or physically: breathing, walking, breathing, bending, turning, eating, breathing, coughing, reading, or breathing? (If yes, skip to question 1. If no, stop taking this test and get a clue.)

5. If while reading this stupid question map did you do any of the following activities: cough blood, pee blood, vomit bile, or die...then you might have had enough for today.

Well the point of this short question map is to illustrate my current condition. I began harnessing my inner Japanese warrior by taking karate lessons at a real dojo with a real master. How can you tell how real they are? Well if you look at the color of their belts you can guess that they are real. I prefer to judge the seriousness and legitimacy of a teacher by the amount of bodily disfigurements a man or woman has. This particular master is missing both front teeth, has a nasty scar down the side of his right eye ending near nose level, two mangled and arthritic hands made of stone, and the posture of a mountain. This man breaks my will with every stare. But so far, sensei seems to like me, which is a good thing because he could destroy my existence with a mere flick of an eyebrow (if he had them).

In my class, there are two ridiculously good pre-teens, both black belts, a friend of mine who is a brown belt, and my AET friend who has been studying martial arts for more than a decade, and of course, yours truly. Some times I feel like I am punching-by-numbers because I have never studied karate or anything other than wrestling. And though the body posture and the disciple are reminiscent of my old days on the mat in spandex, I still feel very Kramer-esque taking karate lessons with two children that could beat me to a pulp. The language barrier is difficult and I sometimes find myself punching high instead of to the middle but this is all very new to me. I am doing well for a total n00b and it feels good to sweat a few pounds, or should I say kilos.