Quote of the Week

A stupid man's account of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
- Bertrand Russell

Friday, December 11, 2009

An Existential Question or Ten



Does wearing that sweater make you want to play the trombone?
Is the trombone controlling the man's thoughts and forced him to purchase the sweater?
Do you get a free trombone when you buy the sweater?
Do you get a free trombone when you hug that lady?
Do you get a free sweater when you hug that lady, but only if playing a trombone?
Do you get a free lady when you wear that sweater while playing the trombone?
Isn't it difficult playing the trombone when you have some woman hanging all over you?
Isn't it difficult to hug that woman when you are holding a trombone?
How many different poses did they try before the marketing executive decided on this one?
How many different sweaters did they try before the marketing executive decided on this one?
How many different brass instruments did they try before the marketing executive decided on this one?
Is the reason that the trombone is in this picture to allude to some teenage sexual inuendo to make me believe that if I bought that sweater and that trombone I might get to "trombone" someone?

I don't know the answers to these questions. But, what I do know is that I really want to try that trombone on.

Monday, November 2, 2009

The Great 2009 Jenga Hustle

It was a dark and cloudless night. The spirits were numerous on this All Hallow's Eve. Greasers, students, ducks and girls in bear costumes were roaming the streets in droves. But this is not a story of fright and other such base human emotions. This is a story of loss, con, and trickery.

I had seen him in the bar before, skulking in the plentiful shadows, surveying the room. At the mention of his game of choice, a spark ignited in his eyes. Opportunity. Upon choosing his target group, he gives the bartender a slight nod and a raised eyebrow. She casual reaches under the bar and pulls out a small red box filled with small rectangular blocks of wood with a strange incantation engraved on the sides, Jenga.

As she approached the target group with the hustlers ammunition in tow, a faint but recognizable smirk appeared on the hustler's face. It was the smirk of experience. A smirk of victory.

The group, a greaser, a high school student, and a recently decapitated duck, unwittingly set up their game to enjoy a few minutes of board game splendor in the dark recesses of bar, as the hustler stalked and noted his strategy. After a few excited moments as the tower collapsed, the hustler staggered over to the table, clearly feigning intoxication. He slammed his glass down as an introduction, the tower shook.

The Proposal
He stated in an unclear and slightly slurred speech,“Care to make a wager?” The three looked at each other suspiciously...“What could this drunk possibly want?”All three of them thought. “I want to play Jenga with you. If the three of you can beat me, I will buy you each of you a drink. But if I win, the three of you will buy me two drinks.”The hustler gargled out. Of course at this point, the three knew that this guy was a hustler, but agreed anyway for sake of an interesting story, such as the one I am telling you right now.

In an attempt to not get cheated, though they knew it was coming eventually, the costumed three argued over the rules with‘Josh’the hustler. 1) You can use only one hand to remove the blocks. 2) You must put the spent blocks back on the top, perpendicular to top row. 3) You cannot remove blocks from the top row. Three terribly simple rules. Terribly over simple rules.

The game began. On his first move, the hustler removed a block and twisted the tower. It was at this point that they knew for sure that the game was over. Thought they fought a valiant battle, the costumed three eventually were defeated and paid the hustler his two drinks. He stepped up from the table, money in hand, and walked to the bartender. They exchanged a glance and a handshake. It is uncertain if that was all that was exchanged...

The Background
I have had many experiences in my relatively short life on this planet. But there is one emotional experience I have always wondered about. That is the emotional, physical and physiological response to getting hustled by a hustler. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would encounter a hustler in Japan, so I was caught when the action happened. I smelled a fish from the beginning but could not resist to promise of free drinks.

For those of you who do not know what a "hustle" is, I suggest you look up The Hustler with Paul Newman and Jackie Gleason. If you do not know what Jenga is...jump off a bridge because you have been missing out on one of the most amazing games to ever grace the planet.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

久しぶりだね It has been a while, eh?

*To be read in a typical overly epic television show announcer voice*

"In the season finale of Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun, we found that our hero would be enjoying a vacation on the Islands of Hong Kong and Macau. And now, the much anticipated and much talked about return of Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun. Now in vivid Technicolor and High Definition. Or something."

On the Special Administrative Regions of Hong Kong and Macau

Well, since it has been over a month...I do not remember a damned thing. No, just kidding...(but seriously...not a damned thing.) Luckily, I only remember the terrible things and the hilarious things. If all you want to know is if I had a good time, then the answer is, "Yes, it was okay." Now you can skip to the next emboldened section entitled, "History of the World Part II."

Oh, Hong Kong, how easy it would be to despise you. I mean, with all of the people...everywhere, the constantly leaking air conditioners dropping dirty water on pedestrians from thirty floors above, the ever-present feeling of impending doom and danger from cars and buses, the wonderful and clockwork scowls present on all of the waiters/waitresses, and the unending feeling of being in someone's way...How could I not hate you, Hong Kong? But somehow, I was able to retain my objectivity and come out feeling somewhat positive about city. Despite my post-travels positivity, I have no desire to ever go back.

I suppose I should explain. From the moment I stepped off the plane I had the sneaking and constant suspicion that I was being ripped off by someone. I don't know why. Perhaps, it was merely the knowledge that there are no set prices on anything in the city and the locals expect you to haggle for their purposely overcharged items. I am not the type of person to haggle and I felt bad trying to convince a merchant to take 50 Hong Kong dollars instead of 80 for a deck of Bruce Lee cards. The inane nature of arguing over $3USD for a deck of cards hit home when one of my friends went to the same merchant and bought the same deck of cards for $5HKD cheaper. My brain almost exploded all over the Jade Market. It wasn't the money...it was the principle of it all. This is not the way economics is supposed to work. If you are willing to take any amount of money, why even have a limit, or a currency. Maybe I should have offered the merchant two chicken feet and a glass of cool ice water (which I would have undoubtedly received from a scowling half naked street vendor).

Additionally, from the moment I stepped off of the express train from the airport, I was being accosted by foreigners trying to sell me custom made suits. On every street, on every island, outside of every subway station there was inevitable an Indian man (or 6) lurking behind mailboxes or pacing on corners waving business cards in men's faces tempting them to respond. The situation progressed the same way every time I stepped out of the hotel. And it got so bad that by the end of my trip I didn't want to leave the hotel. There was one famous incident where I had left my traveling companions to escape for some Starbucks joy and solitude. On my way back to the hotel, I was attacked by 12 suit hawkers in 3 blocks. And on one encounter the frustration and the desire to escape the man's purple shirted presence led me into the street and almost to my immediate demise at the hands of a speeding taxi. Honestly, the instant death would have been preferable to the 30 seconds I spent standing next to this man attempting to tell him that I didn't want his cheap suit. Of course, the game totally changes when they know you speak English. It got to the point where I could feel their presence from half a block away. It was like some anti-annoyance Jedi sense. Finally, I just started yelling at them so that they would leave me alone. And by the end of the trip I wanted to carry an unsheathed sword around the city ominously. I contemplated buying a suit and walking up and down the street taking all of their business cards. (Like I wanted to wear a suit in Hong Kong in August...it was 98degrees with 1700% humidity.)

Overall, it was an entertaining trip. And though I have no desire to ever go back, that doesn't mean I didn't have fun. I have entertaining memories of the "Wice Nudol" (a.k.a "Rice Noodle") lady who looked like a combination of Anne Ramsey (Mama Fratelli from the Goonies), and Baaba (the old witch from Miyazaki's Spirited Away). We ordered 4 of the cheapest beers on the menu, thinking them to be human sized beers, to our surprise they were 1.5Liter bottles. When they arrived, we all laughed. I also have fond memories of eating Peking duck at a restaurant across the street from the hotel...twice, consuming a wonderful sized steak and a couple of huge German beers at a German beer hall, and of touring all of the city and taking nice pictures, despite the miserable typhoon weather. My favorite place was the Avenue of Stars, where terrible Hong Kong martial arts actors/actresses go to rest.

As for Macau, I am a bit more undecided. Seeing as we only spent a few hours there I am unsure if I saw everything I wanted to see. I would have liked to go gambling but none of my traveling companions were up for that. I also noticed that Macau is very beautiful, but seeing as taking one step out of the air conditioning in this part of the world in August is the same as jumping into an Old Spice scented pool, I felt rather uncomfortable leaving the hotel. In the end, I would like to go back to Macau I think, when I have tons of money and air conditioned business suits. China can keep Hong Kong though, I don't want it.

"Next time on Gio and the Land of the Rising Sun, Silver Week extravaganza: fun, games, drinking, traveling and photos."

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Up, Up and Away Junior Birdman

I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow. I expect shenanigans, troublemaking, and all kinds of merry-making. I will attempt to update while I'm there but I may not have access to a computer.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

This Week's News in 30 Seconds

Just some opinions, don't get your underwear in a twist.
______

We found out that tanning beds cause cancer, divorce is harmful to your health, sugar in juice and sports drinks erodes your teeth, body building with steroids is harmful to your body, the swine flu is really bad if you're pregnant, Oprah.com continues to publish self-defeating sexist garble, and that every single person and their divorced grandmother has marriage advice.

My response to these news stories: DUH!

We also learned that blue food coloring in M&Ms can stave off paralysis in spinal injuries but its side effect is Smurfification. I am not even joking.

We also found out that intelligent black men can be arrested in Mass. for being home alone and that because the president is also a black man, his opinion must be heard on every situation of race relations in the USA.

My response to this story: Both the Mass. Police Department and Professor Gates, to redirect President Obama's quote, "acted stupidly" and the situation could have been handled without bringing the subject of race into the picture if both parties acted more humanely. Additionally, when did it become the president's responsibility to publicly render opinions on cases which do not pertain to him and then publicly act as mediator between two adult parties. Obama is not our daddy and he is not our hall monitor. Deal with your own issues because the President of the United States of America has bigger things to worry about right now.

Lastly, we learned that Michael Jackson might not have been as poor as we all thought and that his doctors may have given him dangerous amounts of drugs solely because he was famous and had money.

My response to this story: FREAKING GET OVER IT ALREADY. He is dead. He got himself killed by taking too many drugs. The only thing I find fascinating about this whole situation is that he overdosed on legal drugs, and thus he is being painted as a victim. Ask yourself this, if he overdosed on cocaine or heroine would you all be so forgiving? The double standard on drug use in the USA is ridiculous. Make it all legal and tax the crap out of it. We could do with a little natural selection to weed out those who are unable to make the decision to keep themselves alive.


So it has been a slow news week. My negativity started last weekend when I tried to go to see the Harry Potter movie but it was sold out all day. Since then my mood has soured and my days have grown longer. I need my HP fix.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Gio Completes Ninja Training and Then Gets Creative

This weekend was an interesting one to say the least. Two friends and I drove out to the well hidden town of Koga, southeast of Kusatsu, in Shiga prefecture. We made this long and winding trip through the lush green hills of the Japanese countryside to do something that I have wanted to do since I was a child, become a ninja. For those of you who do not know what a ninja is, google it, or visit this website: www.realultimatepower.com But, the history of the ninja is much more entertaining and real than that website suggests. The story of the ninja of Japan usually comes down to the family feud between the Koga ninja family in Shiga prefecture and the Iga ninja family in Mie prefecture. These two families worked hard to be the best spies, assassins, scouts and recon weapons working for and protecting the feudal lords in Japan. There are countless representations of ninja throughout history and pop-culture, if you really do not know what a ninja is...you've probably already been killed by one, you just haven't noticed your own death.

In this deep forest there is a nearly impossible to get to authentic Japanese experience, ninja training. The first things I saw when I arrived was a noisy hot-dog shaped guard dog, bred from ancient Koga ninja dog genes, and wooden cutouts in the shape of multicolored ninjas. We began the manditory tour of the training ground. The first test was scaling a castle wall with nothing but one's own hands and feet. This was a challenge at first but after one connects one's soul to the tradition of this village, even the concrete and stone rampart could not keep me from achieving my destiny. The second test was the wall jump. It was quite easy after my soul searching. The third test was the "walking along the base of a wall without falling down 5 feet to your death." This test was more challenging than the previous two, yet I was able to focus my chi and succeed. Unfortunately, we lost one of our youngest comrades as the 5 year old girl fell from the wall with a thud. The fourth test was one of endurance. Us potential ninjas had to swing and walk sideways along a notched wooden wall. Each step and swing was exhausting and my hands still hurt from grabbing the wall. The fifth test was to challenge our ability to endure small spaces. We climbed down a ladder into an ancient escape hatch through the bottom of a well. The sixth test was one of grace and skill, unfortunately no one over 80 pounds could possibly succeed at the Water Spider test and my foresight saved me the pain of failure. One must work to one's own advantages and skills and gliding across a scummy pond on foam shoes is not in my skill set. The seventh test was more successful, but even though I succeeded, I swung deep into a muddy puddle. The zip-line rope was not set high enough and taught enough for a ninja of my defined... stature. As a result, I ended up sitting in mud. The eighth test was one to challenge the most important of ninja skills, killing. The shuriken, also known as the "ninja star", throwing trial was an excellent test in the fine art of assassination. Of my ten shuriken, I successfully hit two targets at 9 meters. The last test was probably the most important of all, the history lesson. We studied the typical ninja house equipped with shin breaking traps, one way doors, hidden doors, trap doors under stoves, a stone-weighted falling roof, hidden floors, pitfalls, and hidden stairs. We also learned of ninja efficiency in the art of recon and murder in the Hall of Ninja weapons. Some of the most interesting of which were collapsible boats and hand canons.

After the training was complete, those that survived received a scroll of undeniable authenticity stating that we have all been conducted into the Koga ninja family.

After our trip into the murderous past of ancient Japan, we felt like being a bit more creative. My friends and I took a drive to the most famous pottery area in all of the Kansai region of Japan. The "tanukimura" or Tanuki Village, so named for the village's adept skill at making tanuki (raccoon dog) statuary and because of the wild tanuki which roam the mountainside, was a fascinating chance to practice my pottery spinning skills. After numerous failures, I finally created 3 usable pieces; a large tea cup, a medium size rice bowl, and a large 500ml beer mug. We will see how well they look in a month or so when they are shipped to me.

That is all for now. Stay classy and watch your back...ninjas are everywhere.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Pseudo Farewell

My last day at my visit school is quickly approaching and though I only go to this school twice every week, I have established a fairly good working relationship with my English teachers. Whereas in contrast, I am not even sure that the teachers at my base school would even notice if I did not come into work. That being said, my fellow teachers and I went out to dinner as a farewell party. Despite the scalding hot oil jumping off the hotplate onto my arms, neck, hands, and pants, the party went really well.

Japanese dinner parties are always entertaining to me because I could just sit back, not say anything, and be perfectly entertained watching the awkwardness happen on its own. The first encounter with one of these enkais is shocking, but the fiftieth is just plain-old fashion hilarity. The drink pouring phenomena is the most socially important aspects of these parties. There is a secret, unspoken competition at the table. The competition is between the people who, for some odd reason, are not drinking alcohol and the people who are. It is an honor and a mandatory rite of passage to pour bottled beer for your coworkers and it is an honor to be poured for, but the problem is that one can never have an empty glass, even a little empty. Every time I took a sip of my crudely brewed beverage someone was ready and waiting for the glass to leave my lips so they could refill my drink to the brim. I love it. Such efficiency.

At the end of the night my coworkers gave me a stone hanko (name stamp used for official documents) and some traditional red ink used for signing artwork. I was very surprised and grateful. I am going to miss this school, but I am not going to miss the hour and a half commute every morning.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

And then we all died a little inside

As it stands, June in Kyoto is the worst season in the history all my 90 or so seasons of my life. One of the main bragging points that Kyoto-ites like to spout is the fact that their city has four distinct season, summer, fall, winter, and spring. Yet they purposefully forget to mention the fifth season, the devil's own creation. It falls smack-dab in the middle of summer and is called the 梅雨, tsuyu, a.k.a monsoon season. It really is like stepping out of a shower into a sauna. It is a miserable experience. I never thought I would wish for the August heat, but this humidity is literally killer.

That being said, I thought I should take a few moments to list out the interesting things that one should expect from Japan that most people do not tell you.

1 - There are no giant battling robots or godzilla monsters protecting the airways, despite what the Simpsons and Powerpuff Girls tell you.

2 - If you are in Osaka and you pretend your hand is a gun or pretend that you have a sword in hand and you attack an Osakian, they will play along and die, violently. (I haven't actually tested this out yet on the streets, but it is fun in class)

3 - Japanese people, despite the hyper-awesome technological gadgets that make their way to the States, are, for the most part, technologically disinclined.

4 - Unless you can type on it with your thumbs, put it on your face, or wear it under your school uniform than most Japanese high school students are probably not interested in it.

5 - Nearly all of the foreigners in Japan are giant nerds, myself included, so it is very easy to find people who are into the same things as you.

6 - The old proverb, "If you don't use it, you lose it" applies readily to your language abilities, Japanese and English alike.

7 - The supermarket is a good place to be stared at by curious old women and visual scorned by old men, if you're into that sort of thing.

8 - The sidewalk is for bikes, period. Ambulatory commuters should learn to fly.

9 - Cockroaches are a way of life, get used to them. At least they are better than the Mukade, giant poisonous centipedes, which like to eat cockroaches. If you don't have cockroaches look under your bed for them bastards.

10 - Get used to paying 3000-5000yen, $30-50, for a night on the town. Where every night is 10 dollar beer night!

Well, it would be impossible to tell of the mundane and exciting things that have happened to me, but my biggest piece of advice is to come in with no expectations. This way you can only be surprised. It's a much more entertaining way to live in Japan.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Cut Hair to the Wind

And just like that, my dreams of becoming a world renouned hair model go up in smoke. I went to my friends office to have "competition practice" for the big day next month. I practiced my Japanese to the sounds of clicking scissors and screams of televised Japanese soccer. As the minutes passed the hour mark, I saw resignation on the face of my hair obsessed friend. Dispite my best efforts, my hair was still too short to be of any use in the competition. Even though I am slightly disheartened at the loss of what could have been, I am reminded of how truly odd that competition would have been. I would have looked like a mix between Vanilla Ice and Guile from Street Fighter. My hair would have been pushed vertical and flattened on the top and dyed yellow. Yet, in the darkness there is always a speck of hope. As the monsoon season begins in Kyoto, I no longer need to have long unwieldy lawyer hair.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

I Have Returned

So my trip to Arizona went well. My flights and the overall traveling experience was better than I could have hoped. I usual tend to get a bit claustrophobic on the plane, especially for eleven hours, but it all went well. The perk of the H1N1 piggy scare is that very few people are traveling. My flight to the states was nearly empty and I had my own row. My flight back to Japan was similarly populated but I was seated next to some skinny Japanese people, that allowed me to usurp some of their elbow room. There were no crying children like my flight to Rome and there were no karate practitioners honing their skills on the back of my seat like my flight from Barcelona. They were good traveling experiences this time.

It was a bit strange returning to America. As the JET infomercials stated, there was a bit of reverse-culture shock and my first attempt at driving my car led me errantly down the left side of the road for a moment. I did decide to get all of the culture shock out of my system in one fell swoop. My first stop, after I slept off the jet lag, was to the hub of American culture, in its most repulsive and repugnant incarnation, Walmart. It was a planned trip, designed to shock my mind back into the way of the "American Way." The second I entered the store I felt my soul cry. There were children running aimlessly, hyped up on sugar and Ritalin and adults shuffling about in slippers and stretch pants, to better suit their flab, pushing carts filled to the brim with cheap Chinese made goods.

Now, I'm not going to lie to you all, I enjoy Walmart for two reasons. First, because they have a five dollar DVD bin and one can always find a decent deal there. And secondly, because Walmart is to me, what IHOP is to Lewis Black. (If you have never heard Lewis Black, the comedian, talk about IHOP, I suggest you YouTube that.) Mr. Black states that he considers IHOP to be his health club because, "No matter how fat you are, there will always be someone there who weighs 350 pounds more than you will ever weigh." And thus is true for Walmart as well. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, Walmart is a cesspool for Americanism, where hope and self-respect go to die a horrible and miserable death. (my own included)

Now purged of my own feeling of superiority over the Walmart shoppers, I could enjoy my vacation. A vacation which included a trip to the dentist, a few loving family dinners, a graduation, a huge family party, a drive California to be accompanied by several games of beerpong, a geocaching day with the father, several trips to Papago Brewery to drink real beer and several boring days spent surfing the internet and watching HBO.

If only everyday could be spent lounging around eating leftover lasagna, watching HBO and trolling Facebook, what a life that would be! Alas, one's life cannot be wasted as such though. And now I have returned to the daily grind at work.

When I finally returned to work, after passing the swine flu test, my principal came up and tried to talk to me. He said that he liked my beard and wondered if I shaved it everyday. Then he asked how often I go to the dentist to keep my teeth strong. And now today, several teachers asked me why I changed my hairstyle, but didn't wait around long enough to hear the whole story, they merely nodded and said that they liked it. So with that, I have returned to a place where my mere appearance is a novelty which doesn't grow old.

It's good to be back.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I Call Shenanigans on You, Japan

So, as most of my six steady readers know, I am returning to the States for a triumph. (Yes, I expect four white horses, a Roman chariot, trumpeters, slaves throwing olive branches in my wake. All that jazz.) But it has come to the attention of my supervisors and the Kyoto Board of Education that my trip home to Arizona is planned right, smack dab in the middle of the most vicious, vile and murderous plague on humans since, well, the Plague of a blacker nature.

Yes, of course you all know what I am talking about. Now introducing, in the left corner, coming straight from the pig's mouth, transmitted humanoid to humanoid, the most delicious sounding of all the flues in human history; the Sultan of Swine, the Frothiest of Flues, the most Dangerous of Diseases, the most Porkiest of all Plagues: H1N1.

My upcoming trip to "ground zero in the fight against the Pig" has my supervisors and their supervisors up-in-arms. I'll start from the beginning of the story because, well, that's usually the best place to start. I will do my best to retell the story as accurately as possible, it may falter here or there but that is because during the meeting that occurred on Tuesday May 12, between 5:01pm and 5:32pm, I was laughing my ass off inside my head.

The Tuesday began as any other Tuesday, me sitting at my computer at my visit school about an hour and twenty minutes trip from my base school. When all of a sudden, the vice-principal approaches me and in his limited English tells me that, "After work today, You should go to your base school for an important meeting." I was a bit shocked and slightly alarmed. I knew my base school would have a meeting with me about my trip but what could be so urgent that they would need to talk to me today that could not wait until Thursday when I would return to the base school. I was afraid that they would ask me to cancel my trip because they needed me to do work at school. (HAHA, "work") So the rest of the day went off with out a hitch. After my last class I decided to check my email and relax until the bell rang and I could legally stand at the bus stop and wait twenty minutes for the infallibly late bus. (They really should just update the bus schedule if it is going to be late every day) It was at this time when a teacher came to me and told me that I was supposed to be gone an hour ago. Of course the difference between, "Go after you finish your work" and, "Go after work," was lost on the vice-principal.

So I ran two kilometers down hill to the train station so that I could make the early train and get to the other school fifteen minutes earlier (What a waste of energy this would turn out to be.) Eventually I arrived at my other school and sat down for my meeting with the vice-principal, the principal and an English teacher for translation. The principal showed me an article in the Kyoto newspaper that showed the numbers of the world wide plague, known as Swine Flu, broken down country by country.

He decided to have this meeting to tell me that, of the 6,000,000,000 people there are in the world, 5,200 have Swine Flu. And of that 5,200 people world wide, 2,600 people have it in the United States. As a result, my trip to America was not only my concern, but a National and International concern. According to my principal, I am to:

1. Take my temperature everyday while I am home and keep a log to show the people at the airport.

2. Where a face mask, constantly.

3. Be prepared to give a blood sample at the Kansai Airport when I return.

4. Be prepared to be quarantined in a hotel near the airport if I have a fever.

5. Call my school the day before I am to come back to work to ensure that my blood test at the airport passed. If it does not, I will be suspended from work for ten days.

6. Wash my hands all the time, I think he said, "ichinichi" meaning "all day long."

7. Gargle with the patented Japanese brown garble sludge, which reputedly is supposed to kill germs and ward off evil hippo spirits (there's a hippo on the bottle.)

8. Don't come to work if you have the coughs, sneezes, farts or blinks.

9. Don't return if you to work if haven't bathed in fire and gargled bleach.
And So On. (The last two rules were slightly exaggerated.)

All-in-all, I am very excited to have the same exact meeting again on Monday to ensure that I understand everything. I wonder how freaked out they would be if I brought them bacon back as Omiyage (souvenirs).

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Adventures of a Fantasy Fan: Part 3

Keto could, of course, return to his marching war party and tell those that sent him that his party fled in the night out of fear and his goblin commanders would not likely bat an eye at his story. Goblins have always been a resourceful and despicable race, yet dependability and loyalty were not common traits among this small statured race of green, orange, and yellow skinned monsters. Thus, Keto should have returned. All of his logic told him that he would survive longer in his war party but something was wrong, or at least, something felt wrong about returning.

Something was indeed "wrong" with Keto, in terms of his race's usual disposition. Keto had killed his kin before this most recent massacre, yet never so unprovoked as the occasion in the cabin. He had no regrets as warfare amongst the goblin kind were far more common than war against the humans. Keto had acted on his own. That was unusual.

Keto was a well trained forward scout for an ancient goblin tribe from the North, from the foot of the Dragon's Tooth mountain range. His tribe, the Vactea, were a large and powerful clan indeed. They controlled a large swath of land in the North and existed, and reproduced, unchecked by humans and other goodly races. Their numbers had swelled beyond the capacity of the Dragon's Tooth. In the past, frequent and deadly human war parties had rampaged through the mountain range thinning the Vactean numbers and sending the survivors running through the mountains to find holes in which to crawl. But in the last generation, there had been only one human raid on the Vactea.

That raid ended terribly for the humans who were caught off guard by an untimely spring snow storm. Those few that survived the weather met gruesome deaths at the claws and teeth of the beasts in the Dragon's Tooth, none survived to return to the town of Last Haven. Since then, nearly twenty years, the humans of Last Haven and the new outpost of Laybren have kept themselves far from the dangerous mountain slopes.

--------
On the word of the tribe shaman, the Vactea clan warriors left their rocky homes and marched South into the realm of men. The one-armed and withered orange-skinned shaman came to this decision as a result of a vision induced by the spewing vapors of shaman herbs. He saw, in his prayers of intoxication, the Vactea clan and all goblins of the land living in the forests and rolling hills to the South. He saw a successful clan, a health leader, a thriving goblin population and a destroyed human town. Tamoz, the shaman, had never felt such a strong guiding presence in his daily prayers before. In all his years he had never been so touched by the blessings of Gromth, the chaotic goblin deity.

Immediately after his holy encounter, he met with the clan chief. Bachu the Ugly had been the clan chief of the Vactea for a decade, which is a rather long time to be in such a dangerous and sought after position in the goblin hierarchy. Bachu came to power after he defeated his own father in combat. Bachu poisoned his father's grog one night and when the grog seemed to be taking its effect, Bachu made his patricidal move. He was over anxious and before the poison had taken his fathers strength his attack was met with more than a little resistance. In the fight, Bachu took a sword slash to the face, leaving him with a hideous scar from forehead to jaw and blind in one eye. His grievous wound earned him the surname to which he affectionately referred.

Tamoz and Bachu met late one evening after Tamoz's vision in the clan chief's cave.
"And when I closed my eyes," Tamoz exclaimed while raising his hands to the air, "I saw the Will of Gromth."

"Th-The Will o' Gr-Gromth?" One stuttering goblin body guard asked incredulously.

"Yes. Me s-saw Gromth's de-s-signs for Vactea. Great designs He have." Tamoz said, mocking the interrupting goblin's speech impediment.

Bachu waved his hand as a signal for the stupid goblin to shut his mouth and for Tamoz to continue. Although Bachu was not a terribly religious man, he knew the power superstition and religion had over his clan. He also knew the immense power that Tamoz held as chief shaman. To most of his goblin clan the shaman's word on religious matters was law. That power made Bachu nervous. His position in the clan was unrivaled, yet this shaman and his religious blather played an essential role in the culture of his tribe. Perhaps Tamoz was stretching his reach, he thought.

"Gromth wants me- us, to lead the tribe South, into the lands of the humans. He wants war on the humans. I have seen the future in my vision and I-"

"And you what?" Bachu interrupted. His interruption startled Tamoz who jumped at the sound of the imposing war chief's voice. " 'Will lead the tribe against the masses of humans raising your staff high in the air and calling the name of Gromth.'" Bachu bellowed a laugh, patting his leather armored chest. "Do not forget your place dear shaman. I lead Vactea."

For now, Tamoz thought. "Indeed. Which is why I have come. To discuss the importance of my vision. Gromth demands this of us. I saw a city destroyed and a tower-"

"A tower?" Bachu interrupted again with a smile, knowing this interruption would infuriate Tamoz. "Towers hold wizards, shaman." He scoffed.

"And the only tower in the south is in the human town of Laybren." Tamoz said bravely. Although the witty shaman, witty for a goblin that is, was quite powerful in the tribe, his offensive, martial prowess left much to be desired. He feared the strong war chief, whose corded muscles and unrivaled height made Bachu look more human than goblin, albeit a green one. Yet, Tamoz feared Gromth, his wicked and horrible god, more than this mere mortal in front of him. "So we know where we must go." He finally said with as much conviction as he could muster.

Bachu paused for a long moment, reading Tamoz. He was trying to understand what gave the shaman the audacity to come to his cave and tell him how and when to conduct a war. He touched his calloused green hand to his face and shook his head. The idea was ridiculous, of course. There would be no feasible way for the Vactea to raid and besiege the walled and magic protected town of Laybren. Not now and not with his current numbers. Yet, he knew the predicament he had been thrust into. He could not deny to Tamoz outright because that would be blasphemy in the eyes of his people, the raid is apparently demanded by Gromth. To ignore such a omen would bring chaos and internal strife to the clan and would likely lead to a civil war, an all too common goblin affair. But, to go through with this haphazardly planned attack would be suicide. Bachu contemplated throwing his spear through Tamoz's heart to silence him, but he didn't know who knew about the dream.

Finally, he sighed in resignation, "Very well, but it cannot be done alone. Send word to the other tribes in the North. Tell them that Bachu and the Vactea march to bring revenge and death to the humans of Laybren." He stood from his hide-adorned rock throne and raised his his arm, spear in hand. "To war."

Monday, April 13, 2009

The Japanese Gangster Pope

Before all of you religious fanatics get "all up in my digital grill," just continue reading on for a few lines and most all will be explained.

I spent my Sunday in a sweaty dogi and a too small white belt standing amongst a group of 40 or so Japanese Karate practitioners from about 10:30 a.m. until 6 p.m. I will say that it was one of the best days I have ever had. First, before I get down to the details I should set up the scene. The dojo was about the size of a large living room, about 50' x 25', with hardwood flooring and a small shrine in the front of the room. The shrine is adorned with a small sitting pillow, an arm resting stool and a pair of ornamental wooden swords. There is also a framed picture of the Japanese flag and another framed picture of the recently deceased head of the school(the Soke-Sensei). The school is now run by his son who, after an appropriate 1 year mourning period, legally changed his name to his father's name to take over the school. This is a rather common Japanese custom in terms of the arts and martial arts.

So now back to the action. All of the students and teachers, ranks ranging from 10kyu (lowest white belt) to 8 and 9 dan black belts, line up in this small dojo and await the arrival of the main man, the emperor's enchilada, the Soke to end all Sokes, the Japanese Gangster Pope. Yes, that last title is not only insulting to the Pope, but also the head of my Karate school. So, shh. Don't tell anyone. I call him the Japanese Gangster Pope for a couple of reasons. First, he is treated with such reverence and piety that upon his choreographed entrance into the dojo, after exiting his Mercedes, everyone drops to their knees and bows, putting their heads to the hardwood floor. Secondly, he is a gangster because the suit that he was wearing when he walked in the dojo was straight out of a 1990's "yakuza/Japanese gangster" movie. His navy blue and white pinstripe suit was only accentuated by his perfectly greased-back 1950's "Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli" hair. Lastly, he is Japanese so I think it is perfectly appropriate to call him the Japanese Gangster Pope, although not nearly reverent enough.

Throughout the whole day I kind of felt like an outsider looking in on a secret cult, not only because the entire thing was conducted in Japanese but because everyone seemed to know the rhythm and method of the seeming madness. The day started off just like all of my karate practices, warm ups followed by punching, kicking and blocking routines to ensure that they are being done properly. Upon my failure of one of these blocking techniques, the Head Honcho, Soke-Sensei, came over and brought the whole group of people to kneel around me while he showed me how poorly I was doing. It was slightly embarrassing but I felt a little honored to be directly instructed by the man himself.

The day continued for another 2 hours until lunch time. With hardly a word, tables, cups, tea, soup and "obento/box lunch" were brought out and set up in the dojo. For several long, agonizing minutes all of the students just floated around the room trying to decide where to sit and what would be appropriate. I asked one of my Japanese friends if this was normal behavior and his response was, "In Japan there are many implied rules about things like this...but we don't know what they are." So eventually one of the instructors noticed everyone's awkward behavior and told us to sit down where ever we liked. After lunch, my friend told me that my pants were quite yellow. Knowing that this would happen, I was not surprised at all. When one's clothing gets soaked from sweat and one sits on dirty hardwood floors, the color of the floor gets easily transferred to the white fabric of one's pants. It happens to me every practice so I am no longer surprised, but only after practice when I changed my clothes could I truly acknowledge the seriousness of the stain. Boy, was it hilarious looking.

The day went on for 6 more hours after lunch. The people who were testing for their next belt ranks took their tests and then we prepared for the practice "kumite/fighting". This was so much fun. I only had one match, and I lost 4 points to 0, but I had fun. I blocked one of my opponent's punches so hard that he nearly fell over and I got one punch to the chin and neck that didn't count because I didn't retract my fist fast enough.

At the end of the day, the Soke Sensei came up to me again and said in Japanese, "Thank you for coming today and for working so hard. Next time I have one of these seminars, you are welcome to attend." I was pretty honored and held my head a little higher. Although I didn't win my match or even do very well, I still had a good day but 9 hours of karate will make anyone tired.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Self-realizations and a bit of Philosophy

I came to a surreal and shocking realization this weekend. As the death throes of winter sputter out and are exorcised by the warming weather and the blooming white and pink flowers, I realized that (1) I am extremely happy, and those that know me should be shocked at not only my ability to admit this but also at the sheer rarity at which those words come from my mouth. And (2), I am entertained, and those of you that know me should be shocked at this because I am usually the one in the corner bored to tears at any particular event.

I am not sure what brought about these sudden realizations whether it be the weather or the fact that I have finally turned introspective since arriving here in Japan. I am not sure. But I had a conversation recently where I said, without hesitation, that coming to Japan was the best decision I could have ever made. I am not someone who usually regrets many things he says or does, because I usually am very careful about what I say and do. But on more than one occasion I have experienced the emotion of "buyers remorse" for my actions, as we all do. Being as close to perfect as any human being can be, I feel those emotions very rarely, more rarely than most other humans, I would suppose. And thus the surreal experience of self-realization and introspection. When one believes oneself is the gods gift to humanity, as I often consider myself, it is a strange moment indeed to examine one's soul. Stranger still, to find things you were not expecting, like complete comfort and confidence in the path one walks.

Maybe these new emotional and intellectual responses to my, up until recently, unexamined essence are the result of finding things that I truly enjoy doing and friends I have grown to love and trust completely. That is not to say that my life, up until now, and my friendship, up until now, have been disingenuous in anyway, merely that I have come to see the grandness in companionship in a new light.

------Philosophical Speculation Below, Stop Reading Now--------

There is a poignant line in a bad movie which I always seemed to expound as an utilitarian philosophy for life: "What good is a flower? You can't eat it...It does nothing for you."

This point of view, that usefulness is always preferable to the solely aesthetic, was my mantra for a long time. And I prided myself on the "sensible" nature of this line of thinking. Of course, limiting oneself to the narrow path of usefulness alone is a self-handicapping philosophy. I now ask myself, "Why can't it be both?" I have come to believe that the beautiful and the useful can be just as easily intertwined as they can be stripped apart.

Let's look at the flower from the movie quote. What good is a flower to human beings? (Aside from the strictly scientific answer that says that the flowers germinate and spread pollen through bees and so on and so on. But that in itself is an answer) Well, there is no utilitarian purpose to the flower, where humans are concerned. As the quotation says, we can't eat it, it doesn't bring me a newspaper like a well trained dog, or juggle flaming bowling pins like a jester on television or an ill-trained buffoon. What then is the utility of a flower? So many people are allergic to their pollen and despise their smell, yet what makes the millions, and I mean millions, of people come to Kyoto or Washington D.C. to see a flower? Even as I sit here looking out my window at work, there are hundreds of people crowding around the canal and the handful of さくら(sakura) cherry trees. They are all happy, smiling, talking, strolling, photographing, remembering, reminiscing, and breathing. Those people sitting out on their blue tarps are truly living. Each breath an enjoyable adventure, filled with the promise of new and coming experiences and the recollection of their own short lives, made evidently clear by the truly sad and mockingly short life of a sakura blossom.

And thus, that is the purpose, the utility, the whole point of the existence of a flower, from a human's point of view. It is for enjoyment. The flower's momentary existence mirrors the short and also rather useless existence of a human. The 10 days lifespan of a flower is a relative pin prick in the existence of a human who will live more than 295,000 days. And the existence of one human who will live 295,000 days is a relative pin prick to the over all history of the Earth who has already lived 1,460,000,000,000 days and will likely live that much more again. And Earth's meager existence is a mere pin prick in the overall history and expanse of the universe.

And thus, what is the purpose, the utility, the whole point of existence of a human, from the universe's point of view? Do we bud, cluster, and bloom for the enjoyment of the universe? Do the gods, the universe, or whatever we believe in look down on these old and young people, clustered together under these cherry trees like the blossomed and still budding flowers they admire so much, and smile in ironic omnipotence? Maybe. That sure would be funny.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Now Introducing Gio the Future Japanese Hair Model

Tonight, at one of my favorite bars, I had a potentially life changing encounter. I saw the Japanese man and woman from the corner of my eye talking to my bartender. The man asked the bartender if he knew who the guy in the corner of the room was (pointing to me), the bartender shrugged, not knowing my name. The two approached me and asked if I spoke Japanese. Luckily, I was with two of my friends who speak decent Japanese and we were able to piece together the conversation.

The man asked me if I wanted to be his hair model for a competition in early May. I agreed. Mostly because stuff like this does not happen too often. After agreeing we exchanged information and he told me that he wants to have a practice cut next Saturday. So in one weeks time I will be getting a free haircut, I hope.

I do not know what else to say at the moment, I am still kind of a bit skeptical about the whole situation. More on this as it develops...Seriously random.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

A Myth Exposed

So it has come to my attention that many Japanese people have caught on to the most important and devious lie perpetrated by the foreigners in this country. We have been trying for centuries to keep this aspect of foreigner's lives from becoming a wide-spread, well known fact. Ever since the Dutch landed in Japan in the early 1500's, has this secret been guarded by many who would prefer to remain nameless.

Nevertheless, I shall, once and for all, declare that, in no uncertain circumstances, that all, every single foreigner in the great land of the rising sun, Japan, knows one another, in some manner or way.

There, it has been said. Clearly. Over the centuries our secret code and greetings have been passed down through word of mouth as an oral tradition. For the first time in the history of the "gaijin", the Code of the Foreigner is to be detailed in full.

First, all foreigners of all races, creeds, and nationalities are, without exception, included in this small yet secretive sub-society.

Secondly, every gaijin is required to follow these rules, lest they be shunned and word spread amongst the networks.

Thirdly, acknowledgement of a fellow foreigner is required by the Code of the Foreigner. The method of recognition is also quite detailed. (A) At the distance which the foreigner is indeed identified as a foreigner, usually about 20 meters, eye contact must be strictly avoided. (B) As the distance between the two shrinks, eye contact is also to be avoided. (C) At the last possible moment, at a distance of 3 or 4 meters, the two must make eye contact and execute the proper greeting, as determined by the chart below:

First encounter -- eye contact and a slight nod of one's head
Second encounter -- distinct head nod and utterance (under one's breath) of a verbal greeting of one's choice
Third encounter -- audible greeting
And so on encounter -- Nod and audible greeting
Daily encounter -- Top Gun style high-fives and personalized nicknames

Fourthly, upon arrival in Japan, every foreigner must be trained to use their internal gaijin radar. This "gai-dar" is tripped when a foreigner enters the personal space of another foreigner. This helps to avoid possible inter-gaijin turf battles, which have been so common of late.

Fifthly, all foreigners who live in Japan are required to attend quarterly meetings to reacquaint themselves with the other gaijin in their region.

Sixthly, in the off chance that a Japanese person is to ask about the existence of the international community or if you do, in fact, "Know that guy?", members of this gaijin community are to lie through their teeth or feign ignorance on the subject. We must remain secret. It is how we survive.

Lastly, one is not to talk about the Code of the Foreigner to anyone, including other apparent members of the foreigner society. This is to ensure that no Japanese spys dressed as gaijin are alerted to the existence and the day to day workings of the nationwide gaijin community.

Now, some of you may be wondering how I am to survive in this harsh land without the support of the nationwide community and foreigner networks. Shunned I will be from this group, but little do I care. If this is the last communique you receive from me then so be it. It was worth it to expose the myth.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

An Exaggerated Happenstance

The Old Man and the Alley
by Mike (who once dressed up as Ernest Hemingway, so it's all good)

On a long and lonesome road, lit sporadically with the escaped fluorescent light of bars and restaurants and cell phone shops, an old man trudged. Half toppled over in age and pain he stepped one step at a time, returning to somewhere, somewhere only the wind could know. On the corner, the hanging lamp swung and flashed as the inner bulb received its life giving energy. Rhythmically it swayed, back and forth, back and forth, back and - the light blinks out. The old man looked up longingly at the fickle lamp, twisting and undulating as an unpredictable metronome would.

Across the alley, a young man approached uncaring. Completely caught up in contemplation of the world's great questions or unpredictable lyrical cadence of Frank Zappa, working its way into his brain. He crossed the street, heading directly toward the old man whose focus remained on the lively black metal above his head.

Neither noticing the others existence. Both not knowing the ensuing event that would change both of their lives forever.

Rapidly, the young man closed the distance.

Standing meditatively, the old man waiting, for what, he did not know.

Another step closer. And another. And another. And another until the two were merely feet apart. At that moment they made eye contact, their worlds colliding. The confrontation lasted mere nanoseconds but the imprint left on the young man will last an eternity.

In the last possible moment, the young man sidestepped to avoid a physical collision. The old man turned and watched as the young man walked passed him, not even acknowledging or recognizing the old man. He reached out. The still-swaying light flickered and ignited.

In surprise at the sudden illumination as well as the shockingly powerful grip of the old man, the kid turned with startling quickness to face the old man. In a matter of instinct and self-preservation, he turned and knocked the old man's hand away. It was at this moment that they both saw the errors in their actions. The young man was not who the old man thought he was and the old man was not the threat the young man imagined.

Standing both eerily confused, they both apologized. The old man in his black restaurant apron, stained with the evening's menu stared for a moment in surprise, unblinking, while the young man carrying a white bundle of martial arts gear stood confused and lost.

The light above winked out, and in the darkness the black spaces that were once occupied by human beings were now indistinguishable from the rest of the inanimate ally. They both turned and trudged on.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Nonsense that is the Japanese Language

Today in my Japanese textbook, there was a short explanation why there are so many different names for family members. I chocked it all up to the fact that this language has about 3 other languages hidden below the spectrum of what the average non-native speaker could ever understand. But what caught my eye today referred to the reason why husbands and wives refer to each other as "おとうさん/otousan " and "おかあさん/okaasan" meaning father and mother, respectively.

The reason that the book gives is so that their children grow up knowing what to call their parents in public. The other, more frighteningly awkward reason is that because Japanese people feel embarrassed when they are called by or call other people by their first name. This also explains why one calls the principal Family Name - こうちょうせんせい(kouchyousensei). But this brings up a strange problem. Once you are married to someone, the awkwardness of calling someone by their first name is still there...and seeing as both partners would have the same family name, it would be rather silly to call that person by an honorific like -san or -sama. As a result, the loving couple is likely to call each other mother and father. Wow.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Adventures of a Fantasy Fan: Part 2

The journey began painfully as the sun rose over the hills, stinging Grimm Salva's eyes. Yet, there was a sparkle there, one not seen since his days on the battlefields. Years had past since his last expedition and his desire to wield his sword waned daily. He had witnessed and perpetrated horrifying things in the name of profit, and had no desire to follow that path again.

East he jogged, setting a steady pace up and over the first hill over looking his up-until-recently private corner of the world. He looked back. Passed his small cottage, far in the distance, rose the smoke of campfires, hundreds of campfires. He knew the sights, sounds and smells of an army on the march well. This was not a battle Grimm could win alone, nor was it a battle he wished to fight at all. Judging from the recent goblin activity to the West, was was sure that the goblin horde was headed East, toward the Tower of Unusual Protuberances and the tower's surrounding town, Laybren. Grimm could have taken off South and avoided this entire situation, but the thrill of battle and the promise of treasure, no matter how repugnant Grimm believed this to be, guided him onward to find allies in the coming fight.

------

By the early evening, a small scouting party had reached a lone cabin in the grassy fields, hidden below a ridge. A seemingly well-trained force of humanoids approached the structure cautiously from both sides. Wearing all black and dirt covered cloth and carrying weapons coated in mud and ash, the stealthy group reached the door, barely making a sound. The leader of the party was a short and well-built goblin whose face, if it could have been seen through the black cloth face mask, held a fierce snarl and an ancient scar from his left ear to his upper lip. He silently crept to the door and tested the lock. To his surprise the door creaked open. His partners stood guard in the shadows of the cabin waiting for the signal that everything was clear inside. Keto, the veteran scout, surveyed the cabin with his twisted dagger blacked with ash in his hand. There seemed to be nothing here except an unmade bed and some worthless trinkets.

Ever the anxious and blood thirsty race, one of the goblin scouting party crashed through the back wall of the cabin, screaming a goblin war cry, flailing a war hammer about his head. Keto, never surprised by the inability of his race to follow orders, stepped into the shadow of a door. As the crazed goblin charged in, he met with a twisted dagger to the lung. The sheer force of Keto's thrust nearly caused the expecting berserker's heart to burst. The crashes and the gurgling death throes of their comrade peaked the interest of the other three goblins who rushed in to investigate. They found Keto kneeling over their dead companion twisting and unscrewing the dagger from its place lodged in between the dead monster's vertebrae.

With a miserable snarl, the goblins charged unexpectedly. The closest beast, not even bothering drawing his short sword, leaped from the front door at Keto, who was still fumbling with his dagger. Teeth and claws bared open, the goblin landed on Keto who released his dagger and rolled back with the momentum of the toothy missile, kicking the goblin high into the roof of the building. As the thing fell with a groan, Keto was on him. Drawing the short sword from the stunned goblin's belt and driving it home, up into the stomach of the prone humanoid, tearing a hole in the thing's heart.

The second goblin was more cautious. His spear would have made for a formidable weapon had the two foes met outside, where range and distance were advantageous. But inside the small cabin the spear was a mere hindrance. Without thinking, Keto sprung back dodging the first thrust of the spear and then the second. The new foe took his eyes off of Keto for a split second to survey the room as he drove his spear at Keto, he saw his two downed comrades and hesitated to continue his push. But it was too long of a hesitation. Within that moment, Keto closed the gap between him and the spear wielding monster and passed the point of the spear. Grabbing the shaft with his left hand and rushing forward he drove the butt of the spear into the goblin's gut, knocking the wind from his lungs. At the same time, Keto brought the short sword up in his right hand over his left shoulder and swung, the already bloody tip sliced effortlessly though the neck the green monster's silk stealth suit and his neck. It fell to the ground clutching for his spraying red life force.

The last goblin saw what quick work Keto had made of his scouting party and took off running parallel to the small cliff. Keto heard him scurrying away and charged out the hole which his first victim made. Spear in hand, Keto launched the missile at his last fleeing enemy and watched as the metal spear head pierced the monsters back and exited his stomach. The goblin paused for a moment and laughed as the last of his "comrades" fumbled to the ground, skewered like a wild boar.

It seemed that Keto had chosen an unusual side in the coming war with the humans.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Book Review: Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut

The Sirens of Titan
by Kurt Vonnegut

This novel, like all of Vonnegut's creations, is both strange and beautiful, painful and peaceful, relaxing and anxiety producing. Emotional responses, often of a contradicting nature, are Vonnegut's specialties. As usual, Vonnegut provides no answers to the great questions of human existence which his characters often attempt, knowingly and unknowingly, to stumble upon. He has a remarkable ability to come so hair-splitting close to a profound and controversial commentary on humanity, but successfully destroys it with a well placed and memorable quotation from one of the main characters. Absolutely fantastic. Though many of his novels have the same feel to them, (i.e. unknowing character encounters forces beyond his control to come in question with the purpose of life, only to find that there is no universal purpose) I am still excited, by the prospect of self-enlightenment and self-awareness, every time I stumble across a new novel. I love Vonnegut for this reason. His books are timeless and his style is unmatched.

As for this particular novel, The Sirens of Titan, the concepts of religion, fate, space travel, robots and aliens are all discussed. I mean, who could ask for more in a novel, right? Although not nearly his best work, it is still a provocative piece of literature and is worth the few hours of reading time from a Vonnegut fan.

Now, I do not want to delve too deeply into the plot, as to not give away the story, but I think some main points are worth discussing. The main character encounters a man who, while flying in space, encountered a scientific conundrum, something like a black hole of sorts, which forced him into a position of omnipotence. The man in space existed everywhere and at all times, knowing everything from the past, present and future of this small corner of the Milky Way Galaxy (from the Sun to Betelgeuse). This man reveals the future of the main character and tells him what is going to happen. The story then spirals out into a glorious manifestation of the questions of freewill, the existence of gods and the uses of religion.

The reader is easily able to connect these topics and motifs to the real world and real religion and real science, but the novel is still entertaining if one does not want to dive into the philosophical realm. I dove. And I loved every mind twisting moment of it.

Recommended Questions to Think About:

Who is God and what makes him/her/it care about humans?
Is/are there (a) God/gods?
What purpose does religion serve to humanity?
How does one start a religion?
What is the purpose of life if one's only goal is to exist happy after death?

Lessons Learned:

Life is painful and wondrous, enjoy it while you can because you never know what's around the next chrono-synclastic infundibulum.

The Downfall of Productivity

Although I have nothing to do at work until April, most likely, I am both relishing and brooding in the confusing actions of my superiors. Someone, in their most generous and greatest wisdom, decided it would be a great idea for me, essentially an office Temp, to have his own computer with Internet access at his desk. Being grateful for all wondrous boons given to me by the Japanese gods and Buddha, I am having a hard time understanding the reason behind this action. The reason this is odd is because no one else in the office has this privilege, as far as I can tell.

To preface, I did not ask for a computer at my desk, no matter how convenient it would have made the last semester. I had two perfectly fine computers at my disposal merely thirty feet away from my desk. Granted, I did spend a large majority of my time at work on those computers creating lesson plans, writing blogs, reading the news, etc. But I find it very strange that they would buy me a brand spanking new computer for my daily time wasting. Now I am not complaining. I love the fact that I can see the letters on every key and feel the new springy reaction to every letter typed. Additionally, this computer is about three times faster than the other two computers put together. All of this "kindness" leads me to be suspicious.

I have a few different theories as to why a new computer would be given to me.

First, to free the other two computers for the other teachers use. This seems like a logical happenstance. But, the more that I think about it, the more I doubt this possibility. As I am typing this, there are seven computers free in the main teachers office. The idea that my presence on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays would so cripple the computer efficiency of this office as to justify the purchasing of a new, nearly state of the art computer, is ludicrous.

Secondly, to thwart the Tuesday "gaijin" planning day. On Tuesdays, one of my friends comes to my school to teach. On these days, he and I tend to spend the day on the computers reading news, pdf copies of books, and practicing martial arts in the gym. I think that they may believe that our conspiratory huddling in the corner and rapid English use is frightening them. They may or may not believe that the utter downfall of the Japanese Empire lay in the hands of two Assistant English Teachers and their plans for world domination have been coming together on Tuesdays at this particular school. And by giving me my own computer at my desk, they believe that the plans for island domination will not come to fruition. How wrong they are!

Lastly, and probably the least likely, because they believe that a computer at my desk will make me more productive. In some essences they are correct. I no longer have to wait the six seconds it used to take to walk from my desk to the computer area. I also no longer need to wait the usual forty seconds for web pages to load. Additionally, I have been giving administrative ability and as such I am able to run the upkeep on the computer as I would on my home computer. This means that it will remain clean and fast and will not be cluttered up with other teachers' work. This is great. The downside comes from the easy access of distraction. In the past, the pure laziness that occupies the void where my soul used to be, used to stop me from standing up from my desk and walking thirty feet to the computers. This used to keep me productive in studying Japanese as well as reading. With this new distraction at my finger tips, I will need to have much more self-control if I want to remain productive and efficient, in terms of my non-job related activities.

I also run the risk of looking like an Internet rat while reading online comics and watching CNN news.

For now, courage.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Adventures of the Fantasy Fan: Part 1

A rain swept cement balcony comes into view as the earth colored curtains are flung open to the world. The sun's drab attempt to illuminate this cluttered universe battles with the half-closed ocular spaces of our hero. White t-shirts and black socks hang soaking in the remnants of the midnight showers that have been so common of late. Exhausted and whithered, his hand goes to the warmth of his bed, where his mind still sleeps. Steeling his reserve, he pushes onward into the fray.

The day, like most days, starts with a routine unchanged for months. But something was different. Something was terribly different. Outfitted in his usual garments to protect from the elements, tweed jacket, beanie cap, gloves and an unusually heavy umbrella, he set forth to conquer the day. He had no idea just how right that phrase would prove.

He stepped from his home onto the lush green hills of the familiar frontier. His leather armor creaked from the humidity of the day and his heavy long sword swayed in its scabbard on his hip. His hand, sheltered in the commonplace gloves of a retired mercenary, crept toward the hilt of his sword. His rucksack swayed on his back as he reached up with his other hand to shield his eyes from the sun. Something felt different, but he could not place what was awry. He looked around him, always weary of possible attack yet vigilant.

The small wooden cabin was at the base of a vertical outcrop leading up nearly thirty feet to a rocky ridge. The humble house was small, even for halfling standards. The door was scant tall enough to admit an average human, yet our hero was able to easily walk about inside. Cozy would have been an appropriate description of this location if it had not been for recent developments in the countryside. The land was no longer safe to inhabit.

His lands had become unusually hostile. He meant to find the source of his recent security breach. He no longer trusted his routine. The key to surviving in this world was to always do the unexpected when confronted with danger. He meant to travel to the neighboring realm to find means to stave off the threat to his land. East was the heading, toward the stone megalith, the Tower of Unusual Protuberances.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Various Topics of Recent Development

"Various Topics of Recent Development" means, "I do not really have much to say."

Weather:
February is a miserable month. It has been snowing, raining, windy and gray for 21 of the last 25 days. I am excited for Sakura in March and April.

Work:

There have been several not so interesting things at work lately. As the semester winds down, many teachers have asked me to come to their classes to fill in, i.e. waste 50 minutes of the students lives with a self-introduction lesson. That is fine with me. It gives me something to do other than sit at my desk and pretend to organize papers.

But recently, I started going to one first year reading class pretty regularly. This was really interesting because I think that in the short 3 week period with them, I was legitimately able to connect with some students and have some conversations, albeit one sided conversations (mostly monologues with the occasional one word answer and a nod). Those kids were mighty fun. It was a real shame that they were forced to a strict "reading lesson" format, which consisted of the students checking translation, listening to me read a passage slowly, repeating after me, mimicking while reading, and answering questions. I was able to inject a couple of games to get them at least half interested in the nonsensical repetition of day after day, after day of reading about Yoko Ono and organic rice farming techniques. Riveting as that may have been, I felt they needed something a bit more morbid in a hysterical fashion. So, I taught them "hangman." They found this simple vocabulary game to be a favored distraction from monotony.

As the teacher began to see improvements to my students reading comprehension in a matter of a few weeks, he invited teachers from around Kyoto to come and observe one of the lessons with this class. Throughout the day of the observation, teachers were coming up to me saying, "Are you nervous?It was at this moment that I began to switch to logistical mode. How in the unholy nine hells of the Underdark were we going to squeeze 30 additional teachers into a classroom only twice the size of my apartment filled with desks and pesky students. Some how they did it. Half way through the lesson I noticed that the head of my Board of Education was there and so were all of the English teachers in the school as well as the principal and the vice-principal. Yikes.

The class went well and I had nothing but rave reviews from my other teachers.

On a side note, they asked me, as a returning JET to go to Tokyo in July to pick up the newbies at the airport. I am not sure I want to do this because I remember how horrifyingly hot it was when I stepped off the plane. I will see.

Karate:
So as you may or may not know, I have been taking karate for one month now. I have been studying privately with my friend since I arrived in Japan, studying weapons. But now I have a real sensei. And some how in the middle of this weeks practice, we got on the topic of the origin stories of the first emperors of Japan and how the myths say that they are the sons and daughters of the Sun Goddess. That's all fine and dandy, but in reality we all can imagine that he was just some noble who took power way back in the dawn of the age.

The shocking thing about all of this was that, from what I could understand, my sensei believed and still believes that the emperor is the divine son of the Sun Goddess. I would never argue that topic with a man as ferocious and frightening as he.

I had to have my gi (uniform) custom made for me because my legs are too short, my waist too big and my shoulders too wide for a normal size. In Japan, like in the States surprisingly, I fall right in the middle of the gi sizes.

Additionally, my first test will be in the beginning of April. I will be asked to perform one kata (series of movements in conjunction) and the bunkai (the application of that kata in a pair). I will be testing for one of the high ranking white belt divisions. I hope that I do well enough that I can move on to a green belt level by August or so. It is pretty embarrassing being a total newbie. Digression: there are two kids in my class that are black belts. They cannot be older than 13 or so. I sometimes get envious of children.

Personal Life:
Nothing terribly exciting to report. February is terrible and as such, my motivation to explore, discover, photograph, and write has been sucked away. I am going to dinner with some friends this week, taking a break from my usual battles with my inner nerd.

Valentine's day was rather average in comparison to the many other lonely years. Nothing to report. I did go to dinner with several of my single friends. That was nice. We saw an extremely ugly westerner with a rather attractive Japanese girl. We all looked at each other and said, "I wonder if she knows that she can do much better." That was rather comical to me.

Books in Review:
Conan of Cimmeria vol. 1 by Howard - So far really good.

Okinawan Karate by Mark Bishop - Miserably boring. It is just a family tree of Karate styles.

A Personal Matter by Kenzaburo Oe - Also pretty boring. I am not a huge fan of modern Japanese literature.

A Game of Thrones by George RR Martin - A really well written fantasy novel. It is the first of 5 books. I did not care for the story very much, although I loved the characters. The plot moved too slowly for me.

Gaijin by James Clavell - As much as I loved Shogun, I think Clavell missed the mark on this book. I got about half way through it but could not think of any really reason to keep picking it up. The characters were bland and seemingly unmotivated and the plot was left dragging. It sat on my bathroom floor for a good month before I shelved it.

The Musketeer Mystery Novels by Sarah D'Almeida - Sent to me by my grandparents came into good use. I read the first four books in a matter of two weeks. I loved every minute of them. Although I think Dumas' stories are overall more iconic, these 4 stories were great. Her writing style and sense of action resemble Dumas' so closely that it is quite difficult to tell that they were written a century and a half after the original stories.

Upcoming Blogs:
The Leper in the Sardine Can
What a Japanese Graduation Looks Like
And much, much more in future episodes

p.s. - Sorry I have not written in a while, motivation has been lacking of late.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

An Incredible Happiness

The word "happy" is seldom used to describe me or any of my many emotional states. But this weekend I learned the true meaning of happiness. I must first squelch whatever thoughts you might have about me finding happiness in another person (That's terribly unlikely). This time, happiness arrived in the form of a group of friends, many alcoholic drinks, and an incredible chain restaurant called Arabian Rock.

Yet, this was no mere restaurant, folks. This place is a way of life. One part Disney Land, one part Medieval Times, two parts Broadway acting, and a sprinkle of fantasy and Japan has created the most amazing theme restaurant in all the world. Many a time have I passed this restaurant longing for the courage to bask in its unbelievable atmosphere. This place was first found while wandering the local watering holes looking for a new exciting bar. My friends and I were drawn to the area by the classy and elegant look of the most expensive strip club in Kyoto, guarded by two sumo-sized yakuza men in sunglasses, even though the sun had long since set (maybe they were just getting ready for sunrise?). This particular skin vendor has a sign outside stating that for one million yen (about $10,000) per year you can have something. The kanji was too difficult for any of us to figure out. Yet, I digress.

Arabian Rock. A stunning name for a stunning place. This place was suggested to us by two drunken Japanese salary-men after their own Arabian Rock adventure (at the time they seemed like a sketchy source of information, yet they have proved terribly justified in their recommendation). From the very moment of walking through the door, which was conspicuously hidden behind a secret sliding wall requiring the rubbing of a lamp to open, I was in love with this place. The decor, the style, the overall feeling of the place was constantly making me feel more at home. As we waited to be shown to our seats, the deliciously attractive young Japanese woman in Genie garb appeared from the bowels of the restaurant and brought forth a lamp primed with a ether soaked cotton ball and a candle. She beckoned one of us to rub the lamp and as a hand touched the lamp, her candle touched the cotton ball which immediately evaporated in flames.

The meal was nothing particularly special, the only thing I remember about the food itself was that nearly every dish had cheese in it. Yet another reason for my happiness. About an hour into the dinner, the bland 1980's Arabian/disco music was cut off. Only to be replaced by the familiar tunes of a popular Disney childhood memory. But to my, and most of my friends' surprise, the familiar music was not from the Arabian themed Disney movie we expected, Aladdin. It was in fact the Japanese translation of the Beauty and the Beast soundtrack. (Now, I know you are all intrigued as to why this music started playing, sit tight. The story gets exciting.)

The sound of a crash and the blur of a yellow dress, followed clumsily by a giant Chubaka-esque man brought us out of our contemplative and drunken reverie. To our vast pleasure, there was a live action re-enactment of the Beauty and the Beast occurring around the tented off and cloistered dining tables. Eventually, the chaos stopped, the girls in our group and the table next to ours finally finished squealing with girly anticipation, and the good prince's mask came off to reveal...a moderately attractive Japanese man (big surprise there, if you ask me).

After this amazing feature film finished, desserts, all seven of them, were distributed and passed around the table. There was nothing really fantastic aside from the awkward lone, bright red pastry set off away from the others. This apparently intrigued my friend who immediately dove after it. To his surprise and to my excitement, (not because I enjoy seeing my friends in pain, but merely because I knew it would make for great blog material) the pastry was coated in the hottest sauce ever created by man or the gods. His eyes lit up as if his brain was in flames, and he swallowed, I think. We later learned that this oddball pastry is the practical joke of the dessert tray. It was called the "something something something Akuma something." Akuma, of course, means demon or devil. This is not even the funny part. As he is screaming for some sort of liquid to quench his pain, the table was already cleared and all of the liquids were gone. I tried a small fingertip full of this sauce and my mouth burned for fifteen minutes. I feel very sorry for my friend, yet it remains one of my favorite memories of one of my favorite nights ever.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Woah, You Really Mean That?

So today's entry is largely an attempt to waste the last 45 minutes of work while pretending to be busy. That being said, feel free to skip today's events. That also being said, don't skip today's entry, you would miss out on all the wonderful things I have to say about Yoko Ono, historical inaccuracies, and the library challenge.

I suppose I should preface the first part of this entry by saying, I do not like Yoko Ono. I think her music is vile and her art is nonsense. All things considered, she is praised like a god here. In one of my many first-year reading classes, the teacher is using a textbook which claims that Ono Yoko, a.k.a Yoko Ono, is the most famous Japanese person in the world. I refuse to believe this. If this is true, I just might lose faith in all of humanity. I would much rather have Ken Wantanabe sing the Carpenters' love songs in falsetto than listen to the squealing noise that Ono puts out. (I am almost certain that Mr. Wantanabe, seen in The Last Samurai with Tom Cruise, does not sing Carpenters' love songs.) I do not believe she is the most famous Japanese person. If it were not for John Lennon and the Beatles, and a more sordid affair there is not, she would be some obscure hippie with nothing of any real value.

Now that I have brought up Yoko's relationship with the Beatles, I think I should state my own personal opinions on this matter. Since my childhood as a Westerner, I have never heard a good word said about Yoko Ono. Every mention of her name was usually followed up by the inevitable, "She broke up the Beatles" argument. But here in Japan, she is loved. Her history and story have been altered like so many Japanese history textbooks to look favorably on her as an artist and musician. Shenanigans.

On a less gut-churning topic, today was a difficult and busy day, filled with failure and hilarity. In an attempt to waste the next 4 weeks of class in my Oral Communications class, the teacher and I have decided to start a persuasive argument presentation unit. This basically means that every day, we will go to the library and the students will pretend to work on their presentations and speeches while the teacher and I walk around the library looking for the English book section, which I unfortunately found. Yes, that is in fact the entire English book section. Sixteen books. Sixteen illustrated plot summaries. Fantastic.

But I digress. I bring all of this up because one student, the same student that is constantly a troublemaker, was trying to hide from me the whole class period. I am not a stupid person, I knew exactly what he was doing. I was a student myself not to long ago. I know all the good ways to make it look as if you are working, but really playing video games on the Nintendo DS. The reason I pace my classrooms like a prison warden is because if I did not, they would sit on their cell phones and e-mail each other or play Nintendo DS. And this kid was just really bad at hiding his activities. He knew that I knew what he was doing and did not care. That is what pissed me off, not that he was playing video games when he should have been researching in the library. So every so often I would walk by him and stop and stare down at him. Eventually he would notice that I was hovering over him and he would look up and smile, knowing that I could not stop him from doing what ever the hell he wanted (yet another significant difference between American and Japanese schools, not to mention my own lack of power as a pseudo-educator). It just comes with the territory. Eventually, the librarian caught him and took away his video game, which actually made me laugh maniacally so that the entire library turned at looked at me. I gave them the stink eye and continued my goose step-esque gait, dodging backpacks and umbrellas. I would have been right at home at the Ministry of Funny Walks.
(Tune in next time for a something much more exciting)

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Trick to Looking Busy

In a country where it's not how much work you do or how well you do it but how long your ass is in the chair, it is vitally important to either (a) have something to work on and occupy your time or (b) make it look like you are doing something vitally important. This is the key distinction.

When I first arrived, I attempted to be mister perfect and I planned for 2-3 weeks ahead for class with my spare time. This earned me much praise and reluctant high-fives (Japanese people are uncomfortable with high-fives from my experience). But I soon came to realize that I was working too hard. This always seems to happen to me, I work extremely hard in the beginning and start to slack off when I know I can get away with it. I suppose that is the most beneficial order, if I were to slack off first and then work hard I would probably have been deported already.

My reasons for writing today are two-fold. First off, I want to address this issue of spare time because one of my friends here in Japan is having an internal re-contracting battle (Faust-ian angles and demons on her shoulders, except they are not angels and demons, they are two islands, Japan and England). And secondly, To further elucidate how awesome my job is. In any job there is going to be a certain amount of free time, depending on the day, season, job etc. I just never understood the complaint about free time at work. I would kill to have a job where all I had to do was sit at a desk and stare at a wall. There's no responsibility, no pressure, no conceivable reason to get out of bed in the morning and, presumably, no fun. Of course, this sounds awful. But just imagine the possibilities. Think of all the books you could read, all the internet websites you could see, all the music you could listen to, all the studying you could get done. Needless to say, this fictional job sounds great. But there are no jobs like that, so I have had to set my standards a bit lower. At work every week, I teach a total of 15-18 classes. This means that even on a busy week, I am only teaching approximately 15-20 hours per week (rounding up to calculate for preparation time).

What the heck am I to do with myself for the other 20 hours every week? There is a myriad of things I could be doing at any one time. For instance, reading at my desk, listening to music (pretending to work), editing papers, pretending to edit papers (really means sleeping with my eyes open), drawing comics, reading comics, writing blogs, reading blogs, reading the news, playing sudoku and crossword puzzles, taking a long lunch break, studying Japanese, talking with teachers, tutoring students, wandering campus, surfing the internet, ordering things on amazon, emailing friends and family, practicing martial arts, hanging around the vending machine, meditating (sleeping with my eyes closed), watching movies on my Ipod, or lesson planning. The real trick to getting away with doing many of these things, is to look really busy while doing them. So, if you are listening to music at your desk, you should have a piece of paper and a notebook out and be taking notes and writing things down. Make it look like you are trying to pick out songs to play for your students. If you are going to be risky and take a nap at your desk, try and fall asleep while grading papers with a red pen in your hand. If you are fiddling around on the internet, always have another website opened or Microsoft Word opened to a "potential" lesson plan or activity. This strategy I learned from my TV hero, George Costanza.

These are just suggestions from my own person experience. Without activities to entertain yourself, this job would be rather boring for the average person. I learned long ago that rushing to get things done and out of the way only adds more things to your plate. I love my job and I have been told that I am a good teacher (how that's possible, given my work ethic, I do not know). In my time here, I have read 15 books, listened to 8 books on audio, learned over 100 kanji characters, wrote many, many pages of blogs and notes, started learning 3 weapons (Bo, Sai, Nunchaku) and unarmed combat and karate techniques, and seen almost everything there is to see on the internet. Thus is the freedom and versatility of my job, yes, yes...I know. Not every JET AET has this experience, but for a majority of the people I know, this is the case more or less.

p.s. One of my teachers came up to me and asked me to write the graduation motto for the outgoing 3rd year students. So together, we came up with, "Be wise, sincere, and vigorous in every moment." I cannot tell you if I like this motto but when I suggested vigorous, half in jest, the teacher loved the idea. It is based on the school's creed, translated into English. I suggested, "Go forth and set the world on fire," but he said the Japanese students would not understand and would take the metaphor literally (which might have been fun to watch).

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

An Interesting Article

http://edition.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/asiapcf/01/26/canon.babies/index.html?imw=Y&iref=mpstoryemail

This is an interesting article that I came across today at work. Usually, I would say that the company's involvement in their worker's personal life should not be of any concern. In fact, I think I would be a bit insulted if my company told me to get to replicating. I feel that something like this program would be met with angry protests and whining expectations of privacy rights lawsuits in America. Or would it?

It is clear that the work-culture here in Japan is starkly different from the work-culture in the USA. One is expected to stay late at work, well after one's discharge time even if one has nothing to do. I see this here at school all the time; teachers sleeping at their desks, reading books, chatting away for hours, etc. In America, we are proud of our efficiency and ability to get work done fast and successfully. But, I think we are fundamentally lazy and given the opportunity for a shortened work day on the stipulation of required, state-mandated nookie, we would most likely take it with our arms (and possibly other limbs) spread wide.

My observations in this country as of late has led me to believe that even given the opportunity for family time they may not take it for fear of falling behind in the drama of office culture. Damn warriors. Now, my loyal readers, all 4 of you, discuss.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wow, I Feel Old

There is nothing more difficult to come to terms with than the realization that you are getting older. Before you all cry, bitch and moan, "What do you mean you feel old? You're only 22, you bakayaro." Please hear me out. I came to realization over Winter break that I was not getting any younger, but it really hit me this weekend.

While at a "Happy New Year (let's have an excuse to drink massive amounts of alcohol and eat food all day) Party" this weekend, I faced my own aging demographic. A large majority of my friends in Japan are in the late 20's and early 30's, and as such they have a tendency to be tied down in some way or another. Several of them are married or in serious long term relationships, and even a few of them have little children. Now generally I do not have a problem with kids; sometimes I even enjoy the little rapscallions. But, my philosophy over the past few years is, "as long as I can set the little poop factory down and walk away at the end of the day, I am fine." I even relish and take pleasure in feeding the maniacs sugar and candy and getting them all riled up so that the parents have an even bigger handful after we go our separate ways. Usually that is when I laugh maniacally and rub my hands together in a contemplative evil-genius way.

It is a unique experience going to a party and expecting drunken debauchery and finding children instead. Even though watching a toddler attempting to walk is almost as fun as watching a drunk grown adult wobble to the refrigerator for another round. Of course the emotional response is a bit different, while watching the children one cannot help but make the "awe-cute" face (believe me, the face and the sounds are the same in this country only exaggerated by the sheer overwhelming cuteness factor of Japanese children) as opposed to the "haha, you're an idiot" chuckle one makes while watching a drunk adult. Luckily for me, I was able to experience both of these emotions in one long afternoon.

While partying with toddlers is not my ideal drinking situation, it certainly makes for an eventful evening. There was tons of food including onigiri, sushi, chili, chips and dip, fried chicken, pastries, and cake; there was also a lot of beer, wine, umeshu, sake, and liquor. The nerds, like myself, broke out the magic cards and talked about Dungeons and Dragons and a variety of other nerdy topics. The married folk talked with the other married folk. The girls chit-chatted about common non-sensible things like babies and memories (psh, who needs those things). The kids made a disaster of the food left on the table, cried, napped and cried and ate more food. There were video games and board games, talking and cooking, drinking and drinking. Overall, a good evening.

It was not until the end of the evening when my friend's wife and my other friend's girlfriend came up to me to test my Japanese. Like all woman, they talk too fast and in a frequency inaudible to most male brains. Eventually, I was able to understand them and found out that they were asking me about my dating life here in Japan. Of course my sex life is my damn business and I was a bit put-off by the intrusions, but I have known these two for a while so I tried explaining the problems I have encountered in my recent past in Japan. Their solution, to all of my problems in Japan(which are few and far between) was to get a Japanese girlfriend. So I agreed naturally, but I continued with the train of thought and explained the difficulties with their oversimplified plan for my life. The problem being that my Japanese skills are lacking, and that combined with my over active laziness drive and my self-consciousness, led me to a vicious circle. In order for my Japanese to get better I need a Japanese girlfriend, and in order to get a Japanese girlfriend I need to have better Japanese or get off my ass and study harder. Both courses conflict directly with my self-preservation drive and my laziness drive. The conclusion (in the eyes of these two friends): I ain't gettin' any younger.